thursday and i opted out of a cafe au lait for a yerba matte

haven't really pulled the yerba matte card since late college.
so i thought today i would mix it up.
been painting more lately, that is all i really want to do and want to do now...but other things have been getting in the way; website prep, documentation, communication, resumes (looking for a part time job to start in jan), organization, hydration...to name a few.
ah but what about painting?...i can get a few hours in today at the cost of updating my website.
oh but tomorrow is tomorrow.

i donated my painting "long distance love" to Big Deal a visual aid event this saturday which supports artists with life threatening diseases. since i am volunteering i get to go to the event for free which should be cool.

i had an awesome lucid dream last night, which marks something:
****this may be borderline-too-racey for some people but it is reality and to deny this as an aspect of yourselves and/or me is too eliminate significant parts of who we are**** (in fact it may just make some of you jealous that you don't have the control or free flowing relationship with your subconscious that i tend to have...to which i say you actually do have it but you must cultivate it)
so i woke up and heard some pounding waves at my bedroom window, sat up in bed pulled back the curtain and saw a raging river down the hill, beautiful, powerful, engulfing trees and bushes...people who had some deeper significance (they were familiar and comfortable in the dream though i have no idea in waking reality who they are), a husband and wife and two adult sons. they were packing up the car on the street outside my window. flooding river water was up to their chests, i overheard them talking about whether they should alert me of the flood or not...water rushed up to my window, i put my hand on the window and it felt cold and refreshing. this is when i realized i was dreaming and rejoiced cause then i could do whatever i wanted, which was to get it on. i said aloud as i was pulling open my window "perfect, i am dreaming and still asleep"...i walked straight up to one of the sons...who was hot, no one i know (sorry guys) and i took him down to the water's edge, de-clothing him and me of our soaking wet clothing as we walked and we did it on this great soft wood bench with green all around...incidentally while we were doing getting it on, i remember looking at the guy and he was so clear and beautiful like the river...but he had toothpaste smeared just above his mouth which i sort of laughed about and he smiled about it too when i touched it (guess that is my unceasing sense of humor which never ends)...

so i feel good today, nothing like getting a little subconscious action to invigorate the creative soul...

weekend of painting

so i have had the luxury of painting and collaging for paintings this weekend which
is wonderful. here is one of the pieces in process...i think i recently showed this one in its collage state

so i was making nice progress til a few hours ago when one of my wood box framed pieces fell of the shelf onto my head...this has happened with canvas pieces before and it startles and upsets me...
wood is not canvas...more massive, more dense, less elastic.

it hurt, i cried, i have a big bump.
i was frustrated, i took the piece that did the damage and painted a statement regarding the experience in black.
then i left my studio in search of ice with a bag that used to hold pistachios.
the first two places i went were closed...local bars do not open til after 3.
then i went to the fire station which was all closed up...i walked around the back, a door was open.
i went in and right there was an ice machine...so i took some and left. i iced my head for 20 minutes while laying on the floor of my studio, see documentation...


the bump is big and it hurts. i probably said that already but it does.
i ate some pistachios, wasabi peas and dried cranberries.
and now i am gonna go back to painting before my friends come over and we paint our faces like skeletons and walk around.

feeling overwhelmed a bit

it is a lot to organize your life and time.
or anyway i find that.
many things going on...which project to commit to? hard to know.
balance, balance, balance...juggle, juggle, juggle-juggle.
my past week was consumed with work for david's aspect...and so we made progress but none of it is complete yet. in an ideal world...time and energy would be available now...
all the same i have to shift it all to the backburner so i can follow-up with other things that have been put on hold and new ones that have just emerged.
get myself out there into the art world = exposure.
that is the main feedback i have gotten from talking to art dealers/collectors/gallery types this past weekend.
apply for exhibitions/competitions/galleries...
then other balls in the air (more accurate would be balls next on deck to enter the air); find a job, hopefully part time...lecturing physics? something i can do which seems it may provide flexibility in time and mind...so i need to get my resume up to date and geared accordingly.
oh no, then get things together for holiday sale coming up. might try and make some zodiac onesies as an experiment and potential income?
it all comes down to money?
no it really doesn't come down to that, but we all have to eat.
then the december MAPP to organize.
i need a personal assistant.
but i coughed up a green and yellow amoeba this morning so i most importantly need to take it easy for the afternoon/evening.
tomorrow i fly to boise which should be great and easy.

made it through

the weekend of open studios went better than expected...and that is not because i thought it would go poorly.
it just went really well.
lots of good positive feedback from the crowds looking at my work and i sold some paintings, a mirror, and my greeting cards.
tequila, as well, on the side.
am so tired now and got a crappy upper respiratory cold.
david lands in 54 minutes into sfo via united.
going to pick him up and then we have three days in the city working on the henri book and screwing around.
bummer i feel not so hot though for him.
think we will head to get some hot homemade tofu first thing from the airport.
beyond that? hmmmm, in life? my life is looking pretty good in the near future.
hitting boise idaho to hang with a best friend pre halloween.
for now though = finish emergen-c and call some people about picking up their artwork.
oh and i was featured on the shadow's sf art blog friday night see
http://shadowsf.blogspot.com/2008/10/shadow-attends-week-3-opening.html

turn baby turn

i think the worm is turning for me.
yesterday was a good day.
productive in the studio, happy outside of it.
saw an old collaborator randomly in the street.
in his arms he was carrying a bunch of scrap matte board that he found on the street and he graciously gave me a few nice pieces. wonderful.
now it sits in my studio waiting to one day be collaged on.
i enjoy my bike ride to my studio from my new place.
glad to be biking again...
i wrote a rough draft of my artist statement this morning, finally. i have been procrastinating that big style.
began a new collage/painting today to...i technically don't really have the time for starting new work this week... have to get ducks in a row for friday and this weekend.

the collaging felt very good, i love ripping and cutting things up, gluing them on top of each other... lots of trash and notes heavy on the past month or so which has been heavy in itself....potential title "the months leading up to this/here/now"

spending the rest of the afternoon, drinking tea and finishing up a coffee table that i have been working on for over a month. sort of a bit of a splash out...or maybe convergence between my painting style and furniture should be fun.


anticipation for this weekend is all around me.
right now proof-listening to my friday night playlist.

things continue to change

these past few months have been lame.
the world has been letting me down.
people talking trash and reacting harshly to me...upset to a large extent that i am choosing the life i have chose.
an artist, my own path.
then not coming through for me in any way.
where is the love?
big people in my life... people that should be there (based on tradition and genetics) have come up dry feigning ignorance.
a painful super novae explosion of sorts.
things that made up the structure of my life, what i have been allowing to define myself(to some extent) have fallen to the wayside.
i was sad, i am hurt but it has led to a renewed sense of commitment to myself;
currently my art. further my life goal of understanding and appreciating the world...
all aspects internal and external coupled with personal progress.
progress goes towards love, understanding, compassion, connection, integrity and more.
the relationship i was in easily fell...after much work and commitment...ultimately, it takes two to tango.

acknowledgment and appreciation of who i truly am.
that is what i am looking for now. that and someone with a hard science background. who was i trying to kid i have a degree in physics, i have a strongly scientific mind.

next weekend is san francisco fall open studios.
sort of what i have been gearing up for since april or may. mentally and physically.
hoping to get a better sense of this whole taking my artwork out to the world thing...how will i respond to the outside world coming in?
how will they respond to me? will i make some money?
...the child in me simultaneously says "who cares what they think, it is only for me that i do this" alongside "oooooo, i hope they will love me".
the adult in me flips between "what a great opportunity to interact and inspire/edify/further development of myself in light of others input" and "these fucking idiots will never get it".
so i guess those are 4 pieces of the pie.
all the same, this week i finished two paintings whose content has been weighing on me for an uncomfortable amount of time.
first one entitled
"you even surprised the ghosts that live in my heart"

it is in response to the end of my relationship with craig.
the second is
"sarah palin sold her vagina to the devil" and well it is obvious what (on a primary level) it is about

...deeper it speaks to the facade that our society has become and how it has utterly let me down in a larger sense for absolutely no good reason (which is the tragedy right?)...it parallels the same behavior which many of the people close to me who have hurt me or left me high and dry lately have exhibited...hurt, abandonment and damage for no good reason with absolutely no accountability.
"suck it up people try and have a little courage to be real and worthy" is what i want to scream into everyone's soul but we know that would do no good, everyone has their own path, their own means and their own time.

today i glued my pants to my butt. but i am still riding high

what does that mean in the larger sense?
smaller sense = i am doing many things at once and am a little scattered, oh, and
glue is involved.
regardless the deed is done.

preparing for an art show next weekend. show and i are inspired by frida and part of the larger Mission Arts and Performance Project, which i have participated in once before(June 7th)...sooooooo
i am going to do a performance in which i transform myself to the tune of George Michael's freedom. then i am creating a few paintings and some framed collages.
paintings have a far way to come, but i have the reins on the collages.
here is one of the completed collages.

and the beginning of a few paintings...large tracing of my body is the base of one of them...then my typical collaged personal trash for two others...a blue and a white one.


what else? i have that charged feeling, like i have had too much caffiene, but i have had none today...
oooooooo la la. this is passion.
feel so lucky whenever the passion wave comes by way and i catch it and ride it...
in some ways it rides me. until i glue my pants to my butt and beyond.