Thursday, April 24, 2008

the departure

friday craig and i retreated to the far cabin with a fire. it was like a vacation from the vacation. we woke to snow.
snow again on sunday. which fucked with our driving plans.
so we took the coast down...we meandered. it was a good time, despite the weather and the length of time it took.
highlights; walking(?) on the beach and eating at Happy Clams in Brookings.
got in to sf around midnight.
since then been adjusting to the time change, unpacking and sorting out the logistics of my current life.
good to be back. it is all happening now. it always has been.
drinking a mild oolong with the window open and my shoes off in my studio listen to bunny wailer sing about the "black heart man". jah!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 18, 2008

on the lightning path

2 days in a row.
those are the last two that just happened.
gardening and wrapping up of projects here.
wild cats, these days, are back to say good by to me.
hmmmmmmm. tarot cards? did three readings since wed.
and one to me...david just gave me one this afternoon.
let's see...looking for balance, temperance, learn how to hold back...not dish it all out to everyone everytime...cause that may not be what they want or need....or
even more revolutionary it may not be what I want or need...instead a waste a drain.
just because you know the answer doesn't mean you have to give it.
just because you don't doesn't mean you have to expose it.
hold back, recognize and use the neccesary amount of force and strength where needed. no more.
observe and nuture people and enjoy it.
so hmmmm, i leave on sunday. we eat dinner with ben and meagan tonight, then pick up craig at the airport for a day here tomorrow and then a drive down together.
rain predicted.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

early bird gets the...

coconut almond granola with steamed milk.

woke up at 4 am. did an hour or so of reading(d.adams, thgttg) before i realized i was really going strong, tried to calm my mind but too many thoughts of the future were blazing away...birds chirping, sun started to come up. what's the use?
so came in to the house, spent some time staring into the fire. then worked on the illustrations for our duck book. (which is how i spent yesterday as well). our duck book is cool. david and i mildly celebrated how cool it is and our general coolness last night with tequila in front of the fire. we also worked in a little dissing of our k-12 school experiences.

spring must have came and went cause it was cold and rainy yesterday with hail. which worked out since i was in drawing by the fire most of the day. today i have seen no rain just trees.
trees, trees, trees...i would like to trade an 'r' and an 'e' for an 'a', is that possible? why yes colleen it is, you ask for so little these days it is my pleasure to make you happy***...teas. teas. teas.
great i am gonna go make some tea.
today more work on the book, trying to wrap the projects up.
***note italic text means the voice of god

Sunday, April 13, 2008

spring is finally here and

my days are numbered.
let's see since i last wrote...did some running and working out of my muscles.
not too much meditating unless you call drinking pabst in the sun
while watching ultimate frisbee meditating...which is not far from the truth
among certain subcultures.

tulips are out and loving it and i took some pictures of them yesterday.
david and i had a meeting of what we need to get done before i leave ( the next week)
and it made me feel claustrophibic...check that...the idea of it made me feel claustrophobic but the meeting made me feel better about the situation...or anyway
never underestimate the power of quantization.
we completed our storyboard for our next book after the meeting. it was very productive. but as i stated then(during our work) and will again..."we totally get the shit done when we are ready to get the shit done"...that is a paraphase but who really other words i don't care. such petty things as words and their correct use, order, placement and enunciation. when has it ever made a difference?
communication, smmmooonunication.
i ate a quesadilla for lunch then painted and ran.
so, while i am still feeling anxious about wrapping things up or anyway leaving this world that is my paradise, well while that...i guess i understand that time is moving and so many times perceptions are just that only perceptions.
it has happened before, it will happen again and wherever i go there will always be tea.
tea and me.

Friday, April 11, 2008


we spent the first part of the day gardening.
i planted beets by seeds.
onions by baby onion starters.
baby kale by seeds
and then david and i worked on the potatos.

it is a beautiful day. it was good to get outside and get dirty.

had a nice lunch and tea and next i will read and take a short nap.
i am doing a track workout with ida and co. at 5:30 on campus. then supposedly getting a beer with the physicists. then back here.
i like being here more than there sometimes. now is one of those times.

i will leave you with a photo of the sheep i gave to david as a gift when we first met, it has changed colors a bunch but always lived out in the garden.

deer in my closet eating my shoes

dreamt there were animals in my room walking around last night, trying to sneak but i heard them...i kept my eyes closed out of laziness, i.e. if you see the problem you have to confront it, if you don't you can pretend you are imagining it and stay sleeping in your bed (this was all a dream mind you, i am an expert in these types of reality similar dreams), so they moved around and i continued to play the fool (of sorts), til i heard them step into the armoire (my closet) then they started eating my shoes, at this point i could no longer ignore the situation, my shoes are apparently where i draw the i got up, reached for my headlamp and put on my boots and walked over to the which point everything went silent. i looked in things were out of focus for a bit then they became so when i woke up with my boots on and headlamp looking in my closet with no animals and my shoes all lined up chomp free. realized it was a dream that brought me there and was somewhat annoyed that i woke myself up with this little "dream adventure" and grumbled over to the doorway to drop off my boots and head back into my bed, when taking off the boots i looked out the door window and looking in at me a few feet away was a large deer, with its friends in the background...we both scared each other then stared at each other.
then i got back in bed with my book to read myself back to sleep and proceeded to hear real life what inspired the dream, the deer walking around on the other side of the wall of my cabin and then chomping on some flowers or greens.
so that was last night. eventually douglas adams lulled me to sleep.

turned on my computer and been trying to write in this blog for the last 30 minutes
but instead been bogged down by emails. ahhhhhhhh.
hmmmmmmmm. i have been struggling the past few days with anxieties
that seem to jump to the forefront
race my heart, make my face lighten and throat tighten.
whenever i think of the outside leaving here.
which comes up soon. craig flys up next friday and then we must
be back in sf via the honda by sunday night. so there it is.

yesterday david and i went to tsunami bookstore in eugene to pick up a check for the sale of our first project "custard apples". that was exciting, we crossed the street after and had espressos and bought bread for later.
then we went to the fed store to buy hay bails for
planting potatoes today in the garden.
i saw baby chicks and a large bunny there.
had a long run in the sun yesterday down fox hollow. then ry (david's eldest son) came through for the night which was excitement.

today we are planting the potatoes, david is already in the garden. i need to get out there.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

soft warm loving moss sleeves

on monday i pulled a card from david's tarot deck.
5 of wind - fear
on tuesday i pulled another
death - things need to die in order to be reborn, one must confront fear as their final step
in transformation
and this morning i pulled the
3 of wind - recognition...a rebirth is occuring. i am the captain of my ship.

ohhhhhh what will i pull tomorrow?
i hope it is two tickets to paradise or a hundred bucks.
silly colleen, it will instead be another card marking the next step on the
neverending path of personal (whatever it means to be a person) development.
i guess so.

so why is oregon so wonderful?
david didn't neccesarily ask, but i answered this morning.
it is because everything is so loving here...i was looking out the bathroom window (see figure 1) and reflected that the domain
just reeks of nuturing and love, a tree's bare branches are wrapped in a nice green moss, like a little sweater...
it is not like the moss is draining the tree or trying to suffocate it, it is instead like it is trying to keep the tree warm. it is hugging the tree and loving it. that is even how it feels when you walk on the ground here, so soft from all the moisture and plant debris, so supportive on your feet and the air is easy to breath.

yesterday was productive after lunch. i bought some wood blocks to carve to make block prints a few days ago so i worked on carving them and my thumb by the fire. here are the results. it was a fun activity. it made me happy.

then i painted most of the evening/night. finished two paintings, below.

worked on a new base collage and screwed around on two canvases i keep on screwing around on.
david joined me out there for a bit with margaritas for us and he worked on framing his upcoming entry into the eugene mayor's art show. figure 5.
then we had a dinner of yams, potatoes, veggies and beets. it was delicious.
afterwhich i talked to craig on the phone about crazy white collar criminals(?). i felt tired but somehow i stayed up to watch the movie david had put in...Bobby Z (fyi part of it takes place in laguna beach by chance) was total crap...but in a somewhat enjoyable, days of our lives kind of way.

Monday, April 7, 2008

out with the cats in with the ants...and the turkeys a constant background

i am tired.
i have been running up a lot of hills.
yesterday and today.
in the rain, my running shoes are basically dark brown.
tomorrow i am taking a day off of running. just easy yoga. in town with my friend jan at 8:30 tomorrow. one of my fav. places that i have not been at yet...i will get the cajun poach or the french toast depending on how i feel when i get there and maybe an espresso or else an earl grey tea.

past few days have been much of the same. tea, meditation, little painting here and there...oh wait. no, i totally forgot i got gouged today by the government.
taxes. that sucked and took up much of my afternoon. worked out most of my rage about it with my friend missy as we ran up a muddy hill in the pouring rain this evening.

i woke yesterday morning to an attempted takeover of my room by these huge black ants with wings. i have seen a few of them on and off in the past on solo (perhaps scouting) missions and have shuffled them out the door...but this was ridiculous there was a huge mass of them on the ceiling and i realized it when a few hit me on the head. so i had to eradicate their asses. the bulk are gone but i am still needing to sweep 5 or 6 out every once in a while. they are huge.
i made a drawing of the two types i am dealing with, i would say i have 4 type 2s to every type 1.

then i just now googled big black ants and i immediately have found out what i am dealing with...those of you who "know" ants were probably already thinking "she has carpenter ants, it is obvious" and well touché.
the type 1s are worker ants and the type 2s are female ants
"Occasionally, swarms of winged carpenter ant reproductives will emerge inside a home. Carpenter ant swarms usually occur in the spring and are a sure sign that a colony is nesting somewhere inside the structure." gross. but anyway yesterday morning david gave me some poison stuff to staple to the ceiling where they were which i did, which i think their numbers have been down since then...and the ones that i have seen since and shuffled out the door have been moving much slower then their monday morning it seems the poison is working to some extent.
another fact "Carpenter ants actually construct two different kinds of nests: parent colonies which, when mature, contain an egg-laying queen, brood and 2000 or more worker ants, and satellite colonies which may have large numbers of worker ants but no queen, eggs or young larvae." david mentioned something like this...i probably have a satellite colony.
well so maybe the ants scared away the cats cause i haven't seen them in a few days...hmmm.
put out some food tonight, did my "chhhh-chhhhh-chhhhhhhhhh"ing but have yet to see hide nor hair.
i think i miss them or anyway i prefer a mess of cats living under me to the swarm of ants above me. can't have it all.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

sis boom bah

last night david and i made a solid showing at our personal
happy hour.
complete with entertainment; we watched some footage of some of his old performances.
he is a performance artist. he knows what he is doing.
it is inspirational.
then ravioli and "the good night" with p.cruz, g.paltrow, and d. devito.
started strong but slow...ended slow and lame.
i booo-ed as i put my boots on and went out to my cabin.
then i boo-ed again just before i fell asleep.

loud noise followed by a dying "tweet" early in the morning woke me up.
bird hit window again, this time of my cabin. poor bird.
when i got up and looked around to find it...
it was gone, just a mess of feathers, my under the cabin cats must have came out and dragged it under for breakfast.
lazy hunters.

drove in to town to meet my friend ida and others for a run along the river.
chilly but nice. came back to hot shower, fireside nap and then painting.

no tea yet today...amazing.
amazing. a small break... but a break all the same.
productive nonetheless. did all the illustrations for one of david's poems in one sitting before dinner.
scanning them now.
also did some drawings for my own purposes...

traditionally caffeine is correlated to productivity.
not today BITCHES!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 4, 2008

today is not friday the 13th

cats are eating their daily food as i write.
and the rain is falling too.
rain on and off today.
after breakfast went up to far cabin.
started a fire and spent the day meditating.
just got back down to the house and am having happy hour by myself in front of the fire.
beer, chips (scrappy bottom of the bag chips) and salsa.
a little pumped for some external stimulus after all that internal time.
"hermit hermit hermit crab
why you in that shell?
hermit hermit hermit crab
come out and drink this beer"
so there you go.
i am not gonna to fight that wall of tradition.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

something small is better than nothing

the wild cats and i are moving along...well, at least 3 of them and i are taking it to the next level of trust and solidarity. potentially four.
met up with physicists...the taylor lab reunion...billy, matt, richard and i.
we all used to be so tight down in the basement and now look at us all...spiraling out in all directions...some further than others...i.e. what nest? it was only a fucking illusion to get you to the next spot....shhhhhhhhhh don't tell the baby birds that yet. they aren't ready. even some adult birds are not ready to find that out.
i am not one of them.
neither is richard...but some how he is still caught up in it.
today was warm and beautiful and i had a massage.
tomorrow i am spending the whole day in the upper cabin meditating....i made a schedule and i will use my brother's comment yesterday to guide a sit. thank you billy.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

april fools man;
breakfast in town with old friend jan. ice on car and road.
6 pieces of french toast, blueberry compote and yogurt, earl grey tea.
lunch in town with friend rick. fish (tuna) needed protein.
went to grocery store to, to get supplies; beets, yogurt, crackers, salsa, kefir, grapefruits, beans, pasta.
then went on a run down fox hollow, david dropped me 3 miles away on his way into town and i ran back...hilly but beautiful and the sun was out, ran past my friends the sheep.
stretching, meditation, phone call, dinner, good wine...retired early cause the day wiped me.

slept til 10:30 this morning, needed it. had stressful dreams of the past but in a more explicit disturbing way...all the while thinking, damn this shit is more fucked up then i remembered it, why am i revisiting this? upon waking, i think maybe it was a lesson...maybe explicitly saying, in an over the top sort of way in order to draw the correct (or needed) level of attention to the thing, explicitly saying this is what was going on...really. and you are right. you are not over reacting.

my dreams are much like me. sometimes i say things a little over the top and shocking to prove a point, draw adequate attention(we all are so numb, so lackluster) definitely in casual conversation and in my paintings but not at the cost of others.
the cost of others!
do i really cost others that much?
seemed to be the topic that came up in my meditation after breakfast. i am sick of screwing things up for other people. causing trouble, being responsible, to blame for everyone's difficulties...that is why i came out here, to save you from me, little me, so there is no way you can logically, technically put me at fault...that is why i hide out within myself. but does it stop you...does it stop me from taking it on.

last night david and his g.friend ran my astro chart while i was on the phone.
"such a strong chart" 4 planets in the 10th house. a taurus moon. 3 planets in leo.
3 in taurus. very internal chart. only place i come out in the external is through the subconscious in the intuitive. only come to the external to manifest my internal.

can't touch me with a ten foot pole people. just hope for packages once in awhile. then what?
hahahahahahaha.....blame me all you want.
cause i am here and you are there.
and i've got the means and the desire to let it out, do you?