do you ever feel like the world is geared towards you
or anyway everything is with "you" in mind.
no more like a puzzle to solve.
who needs punctuation? figure it out yourself. put it where you need it to be. make me who you want, who gives a shit or anyway the sun will rise tomorrow.
so. here i am, down in laguna beach where i was
raised and thus a percentage of myself.
but no, i can't just be a product of my environment, i am
whatever so the world is trying to send me a message, nothing to
fast or over my head, only geared towards my personal development if...
if i meet the challenge.
so what there are a group of cooly supporters out there, gods, angels, spawns if you will...all invested in
my personal development and so,... so their charity funds go towards altering the environment
that i live in to make me realize something that is far too complex and in depth for them to tell me in a
straight forward, takes five minutes and costs them nothing way...one of those "learn by doing" things.
they have some vested interests that they are willing to spill their vacation funds into, in order for me, their own true hope, don't flatter
yourself colleen (maybe it is like the "for one dime a day you can change a child's day in africa"), in order for me to discover or
transcend what they have not been able to transcend themselves, or maybe they aren't selfish, maybe they have already transcended and
so they selflessly pour their resources to get the next person over the hill...
or anyway rambling aside, sometimes life is all too calculated that it makes me laugh.
tonight i hit the town of laguna with my stepdad. the bleached blond, silicon, too many tank tops and way too many
plastic horse type faces coming at me alongside insecure and grasping men covered in hair gel and whitening flashy flavored gum.
my response? give me a cheap beer. set me aside, let me dance oddly to this crappy dance floor for over 10 songs before i am finally noticed, approached, bothered
by someone who is also an outcast...with a baseball hat, rough hands and a propensity to lick my face without my permission.
what does that mean? my gods speak in metaphors, of course people, what did you expect? because that afterall is the language i
relate to. don't we all. DON'T we all?.....
ahhhhhh. the stupid world and then the man i love, the one i feel at home with is not here, he sleeps in his bed, that i can clearly picture, up and away. different motivations. different gods, spawns dictating his path, laying out the structures before him,have they heard of me, have they consulted with my supporters, do they collaborate...back to this plane = i know he would only welcome me
if i could be there right now, lift up the covers and let me come in, cuddle into his chest. sleep and turn and nuzzle in his comforting warm presence?
go to sleep alone with the sound of vague waves and cold feet.