Thursday, June 4, 2009

last night's dream

walking away from an ultimate tournament in a dark-just up from the beach-environment.
as i walk on the hard dirt i note to myself that i am leaving no footprints, after i note that i begin to leave prints and they get deeper and deep the farther out i go. then i am called back to the group, i can't remember why or by who, anyway i turn back but i don't make it back to the original site cause i end up stopping off in a little side room where i begin to cut up images on paper, images of body parts, then an entire skeleton, which when i finish cutting it out begins to curl and blow in a small breeze - fuck, i realize i have killed her...she is a older friend of the family, i try to resuscitate the pieces of paper, pushing my fingers down repetitively on the paper ribs, but no sign of a pulse or breathing, i can feel her fading away, i run out in to the hall screaming "Help, Help, someone is dying".
an unfamiliar man comes in the room with me, he picks up the paper cut-out skeleton in his hand and says, "i am sorry there is nothing i can do, she has died, she's in the room right now waiting and you know what you have to do" at that point i am overwhelmed with an enormous nauseating energy, it enters my body, he screams "open your eyes, see what she is trying to show you, she wants you to know what really happened between her and your mother"...i am whirling and nauseated and scared, i won't open my eyes, i leap across the table into the man's lap and curl up i hear myself yelling among all the energy "if you hold me i will open my eyes, i will let her show me" but on some level i think i am lying and apparently i am cause as everything is whirling and buzzing around me he grabs me by my face forcing me to open my eyes and he looks into them and says "don't lie, i know you are lying...if you continue to lie you know what i will have to do to you" and then i woke up to myself whimpering in fear

Monday, June 1, 2009

june and the subsequent gloom

some people say "i love you"
other people profess love.
when self-instigated i take the road of profession.
when it is a call and response situation i just say it so as not to be awkward.
i believe the road less traveled is profession.

profession is a larger statement. the person who professes puts it out there.
because (while i have a fair amount of gall) i am lacking balls, my most recent profession of love was conquered through the mild lubrication of gin, beer and rum and the heavy inflation of pot.
a special package of unique beauty and enthusiasm that i dropped into my sleeping lover's ear at 3 in the morning.
it was weakly acknowledged that night and utterly ignored the following day.
thus i became guilty and felt stupid...why i can't be normal like all you other people out there is one of the great mysteries of life. come on, you say, send him the message in a card (i tried that it involved my decapitated eyeball and tequila and i am not sure he or i fully understood it) or tell him in the morning over a cup of tea in a cuddly little robe and slippers while rubbing your fingers through his hair and he holds your hand. or why not keep it inside of yourself, if you can't deliver it in a well balanced swallowable (wd?) manner.
too easy. much too easy for him and further from what is inside of me.
so there it happened and now, as david says, it is forever in between us.

the way i am coping is making an appropriate mix to develop some clarity on the issue, for all parties involved, regardless of their level of participation.
enough on the state of my romance....what is this blog about anyway and why haven't i been writing in it?

too busy trying to develop to a sustainable level a mode of income...been preoccupied with setting up camp, pitching the tent and starting the fire to make the food.
and thus not as much time to frolic down by the lakeside.
though some paintings have come, one i finished this past week entitled
"a progression involving me"
and a couple other i am currently working on, the one on the left is entitled "just because you have 3 wishes doesn't mean that you will use them all"

did some collages in april for the spring open studios, which i am pscyhed on, they sort of combine elements from my paintings, greeting cards and collaged furniture...