Saturday, October 11, 2008

things continue to change

these past few months have been lame.
the world has been letting me down.
people talking trash and reacting harshly to me...upset to a large extent that i am choosing the life i have chose.
an artist, my own path.
then not coming through for me in any way.
where is the love?
big people in my life... people that should be there (based on tradition and genetics) have come up dry feigning ignorance.
a painful super novae explosion of sorts.
things that made up the structure of my life, what i have been allowing to define myself(to some extent) have fallen to the wayside.
i was sad, i am hurt but it has led to a renewed sense of commitment to myself;
currently my art. further my life goal of understanding and appreciating the world...
all aspects internal and external coupled with personal progress.
progress goes towards love, understanding, compassion, connection, integrity and more.
the relationship i was in easily fell...after much work and commitment...ultimately, it takes two to tango.

acknowledgment and appreciation of who i truly am.
that is what i am looking for now. that and someone with a hard science background. who was i trying to kid i have a degree in physics, i have a strongly scientific mind.

next weekend is san francisco fall open studios.
sort of what i have been gearing up for since april or may. mentally and physically.
hoping to get a better sense of this whole taking my artwork out to the world will i respond to the outside world coming in?
how will they respond to me? will i make some money?
...the child in me simultaneously says "who cares what they think, it is only for me that i do this" alongside "oooooo, i hope they will love me".
the adult in me flips between "what a great opportunity to interact and inspire/edify/further development of myself in light of others input" and "these fucking idiots will never get it".
so i guess those are 4 pieces of the pie.
all the same, this week i finished two paintings whose content has been weighing on me for an uncomfortable amount of time.
first one entitled
"you even surprised the ghosts that live in my heart"

it is in response to the end of my relationship with craig.
the second is
"sarah palin sold her vagina to the devil" and well it is obvious what (on a primary level) it is about

...deeper it speaks to the facade that our society has become and how it has utterly let me down in a larger sense for absolutely no good reason (which is the tragedy right?) parallels the same behavior which many of the people close to me who have hurt me or left me high and dry lately have exhibited...hurt, abandonment and damage for no good reason with absolutely no accountability.
"suck it up people try and have a little courage to be real and worthy" is what i want to scream into everyone's soul but we know that would do no good, everyone has their own path, their own means and their own time.

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