breakfast in town with old friend jan. ice on car and road.
6 pieces of french toast, blueberry compote and yogurt, earl grey tea.
lunch in town with friend rick. fish (tuna) needed protein.
went to grocery store to, to get supplies; beets, yogurt, crackers, salsa, kefir, grapefruits, beans, pasta.
then went on a run down fox hollow, david dropped me 3 miles away on his way into town and i ran back...hilly but beautiful and the sun was out, ran past my friends the sheep.
stretching, meditation, phone call, dinner, good wine...retired early cause the day wiped me.
slept til 10:30 this morning, needed it. had stressful dreams of the past but in a more explicit disturbing way...all the while thinking, damn this shit is more fucked up then i remembered it, why am i revisiting this? upon waking, i think maybe it was a lesson...maybe explicitly saying, in an over the top sort of way in order to draw the correct (or needed) level of attention to the thing, explicitly saying this is what was going on...really. and you are right. you are not over reacting.
my dreams are much like me. sometimes i say things a little over the top and shocking to prove a point, draw adequate attention(we all are so numb, so lackluster) definitely in casual conversation and in my paintings but not at the cost of others.
the cost of others!
do i really cost others that much?
seemed to be the topic that came up in my meditation after breakfast. i am sick of screwing things up for other people. causing trouble, being responsible, to blame for everyone's difficulties...that is why i came out here, to save you from me, little me, so there is no way you can logically, technically put me at fault...that is why i hide out within myself. but does it stop you...does it stop me from taking it on.
last night david and his g.friend ran my astro chart while i was on the phone.
"such a strong chart" 4 planets in the 10th house. a taurus moon. 3 planets in leo.
3 in taurus. very internal chart. only place i come out in the external is through the subconscious in the intuitive. only come to the external to manifest my internal.
can't touch me with a ten foot pole people. just hope for packages once in awhile. then what?
hahahahahahaha.....blame me all you want.
cause i am here and you are there.
and i've got the means and the desire to let it out, do you?