feeling overwhelmed a bit

it is a lot to organize your life and time.
or anyway i find that.
many things going on...which project to commit to? hard to know.
balance, balance, balance...juggle, juggle, juggle-juggle.
my past week was consumed with work for david's aspect...and so we made progress but none of it is complete yet. in an ideal world...time and energy would be available now...
all the same i have to shift it all to the backburner so i can follow-up with other things that have been put on hold and new ones that have just emerged.
get myself out there into the art world = exposure.
that is the main feedback i have gotten from talking to art dealers/collectors/gallery types this past weekend.
apply for exhibitions/competitions/galleries...
then other balls in the air (more accurate would be balls next on deck to enter the air); find a job, hopefully part time...lecturing physics? something i can do which seems it may provide flexibility in time and mind...so i need to get my resume up to date and geared accordingly.
oh no, then get things together for holiday sale coming up. might try and make some zodiac onesies as an experiment and potential income?
it all comes down to money?
no it really doesn't come down to that, but we all have to eat.
then the december MAPP to organize.
i need a personal assistant.
but i coughed up a green and yellow amoeba this morning so i most importantly need to take it easy for the afternoon/evening.
tomorrow i fly to boise which should be great and easy.

made it through

the weekend of open studios went better than expected...and that is not because i thought it would go poorly.
it just went really well.
lots of good positive feedback from the crowds looking at my work and i sold some paintings, a mirror, and my greeting cards.
tequila, as well, on the side.
am so tired now and got a crappy upper respiratory cold.
david lands in 54 minutes into sfo via united.
going to pick him up and then we have three days in the city working on the henri book and screwing around.
bummer i feel not so hot though for him.
think we will head to get some hot homemade tofu first thing from the airport.
beyond that? hmmmm, in life? my life is looking pretty good in the near future.
hitting boise idaho to hang with a best friend pre halloween.
for now though = finish emergen-c and call some people about picking up their artwork.
oh and i was featured on the shadow's sf art blog friday night see
http://shadowsf.blogspot.com/2008/10/shadow-attends-week-3-opening.html

turn baby turn

i think the worm is turning for me.
yesterday was a good day.
productive in the studio, happy outside of it.
saw an old collaborator randomly in the street.
in his arms he was carrying a bunch of scrap matte board that he found on the street and he graciously gave me a few nice pieces. wonderful.
now it sits in my studio waiting to one day be collaged on.
i enjoy my bike ride to my studio from my new place.
glad to be biking again...
i wrote a rough draft of my artist statement this morning, finally. i have been procrastinating that big style.
began a new collage/painting today to...i technically don't really have the time for starting new work this week... have to get ducks in a row for friday and this weekend.

the collaging felt very good, i love ripping and cutting things up, gluing them on top of each other... lots of trash and notes heavy on the past month or so which has been heavy in itself....potential title "the months leading up to this/here/now"

spending the rest of the afternoon, drinking tea and finishing up a coffee table that i have been working on for over a month. sort of a bit of a splash out...or maybe convergence between my painting style and furniture should be fun.


anticipation for this weekend is all around me.
right now proof-listening to my friday night playlist.

things continue to change

these past few months have been lame.
the world has been letting me down.
people talking trash and reacting harshly to me...upset to a large extent that i am choosing the life i have chose.
an artist, my own path.
then not coming through for me in any way.
where is the love?
big people in my life... people that should be there (based on tradition and genetics) have come up dry feigning ignorance.
a painful super novae explosion of sorts.
things that made up the structure of my life, what i have been allowing to define myself(to some extent) have fallen to the wayside.
i was sad, i am hurt but it has led to a renewed sense of commitment to myself;
currently my art. further my life goal of understanding and appreciating the world...
all aspects internal and external coupled with personal progress.
progress goes towards love, understanding, compassion, connection, integrity and more.
the relationship i was in easily fell...after much work and commitment...ultimately, it takes two to tango.

acknowledgment and appreciation of who i truly am.
that is what i am looking for now. that and someone with a hard science background. who was i trying to kid i have a degree in physics, i have a strongly scientific mind.

next weekend is san francisco fall open studios.
sort of what i have been gearing up for since april or may. mentally and physically.
hoping to get a better sense of this whole taking my artwork out to the world thing...how will i respond to the outside world coming in?
how will they respond to me? will i make some money?
...the child in me simultaneously says "who cares what they think, it is only for me that i do this" alongside "oooooo, i hope they will love me".
the adult in me flips between "what a great opportunity to interact and inspire/edify/further development of myself in light of others input" and "these fucking idiots will never get it".
so i guess those are 4 pieces of the pie.
all the same, this week i finished two paintings whose content has been weighing on me for an uncomfortable amount of time.
first one entitled
"you even surprised the ghosts that live in my heart"

it is in response to the end of my relationship with craig.
the second is
"sarah palin sold her vagina to the devil" and well it is obvious what (on a primary level) it is about

...deeper it speaks to the facade that our society has become and how it has utterly let me down in a larger sense for absolutely no good reason (which is the tragedy right?)...it parallels the same behavior which many of the people close to me who have hurt me or left me high and dry lately have exhibited...hurt, abandonment and damage for no good reason with absolutely no accountability.
"suck it up people try and have a little courage to be real and worthy" is what i want to scream into everyone's soul but we know that would do no good, everyone has their own path, their own means and their own time.

today i glued my pants to my butt. but i am still riding high

what does that mean in the larger sense?
smaller sense = i am doing many things at once and am a little scattered, oh, and
glue is involved.
regardless the deed is done.

preparing for an art show next weekend. show and i are inspired by frida and part of the larger Mission Arts and Performance Project, which i have participated in once before(June 7th)...sooooooo
i am going to do a performance in which i transform myself to the tune of George Michael's freedom. then i am creating a few paintings and some framed collages.
paintings have a far way to come, but i have the reins on the collages.
here is one of the completed collages.

and the beginning of a few paintings...large tracing of my body is the base of one of them...then my typical collaged personal trash for two others...a blue and a white one.


what else? i have that charged feeling, like i have had too much caffiene, but i have had none today...
oooooooo la la. this is passion.
feel so lucky whenever the passion wave comes by way and i catch it and ride it...
in some ways it rides me. until i glue my pants to my butt and beyond.

no picture this time...and fyi, drunk blogging is now allowed

do you ever feel like the world is geared towards you
or anyway everything is with "you" in mind.
paranoia?
no more like a puzzle to solve.
who needs punctuation? figure it out yourself. put it where you need it to be. make me who you want, who gives a shit or anyway the sun will rise tomorrow.

so. here i am, down in laguna beach where i was
raised and thus a percentage of myself.
but no, i can't just be a product of my environment, i am
independent.
indy. pendant.
whatever so the world is trying to send me a message, nothing to
fast or over my head, only geared towards my personal development if...
if i meet the challenge.
so what there are a group of cooly supporters out there, gods, angels, spawns if you will...all invested in
my personal development and so,... so their charity funds go towards altering the environment
that i live in to make me realize something that is far too complex and in depth for them to tell me in a
straight forward, takes five minutes and costs them nothing way...one of those "learn by doing" things.

they have some vested interests that they are willing to spill their vacation funds into, in order for me, their own true hope, don't flatter
yourself colleen (maybe it is like the "for one dime a day you can change a child's day in africa"), in order for me to discover or
transcend what they have not been able to transcend themselves, or maybe they aren't selfish, maybe they have already transcended and
so they selflessly pour their resources to get the next person over the hill...
or anyway rambling aside, sometimes life is all too calculated that it makes me laugh.

tonight i hit the town of laguna with my stepdad. the bleached blond, silicon, too many tank tops and way too many
plastic horse type faces coming at me alongside insecure and grasping men covered in hair gel and whitening flashy flavored gum.
my response? give me a cheap beer. set me aside, let me dance oddly to this crappy dance floor for over 10 songs before i am finally noticed, approached, bothered
by someone who is also an outcast...with a baseball hat, rough hands and a propensity to lick my face without my permission.
what does that mean? my gods speak in metaphors, of course people, what did you expect? because that afterall is the language i
relate to. don't we all. DON'T we all?.....
ahhhhhh. the stupid world and then the man i love, the one i feel at home with is not here, he sleeps in his bed, that i can clearly picture, up and away. different motivations. different gods, spawns dictating his path, laying out the structures before him,have they heard of me, have they consulted with my supporters, do they collaborate...back to this plane = i know he would only welcome me
if i could be there right now, lift up the covers and let me come in, cuddle into his chest. sleep and turn and nuzzle in his comforting warm presence?
nope. NOPE!
go to sleep alone with the sound of vague waves and cold feet.

just any thursday

but it is not.
got some bad news this morning from a best friend about the passing of her mother.
yesterday and suddenly.
what to do in that situation? for her for anyone.
after talking to her. went in and cashed in on some free espresso from my sister's boyfriend. he gave me a coffee card for v-day.
life is so full of it. both good and bad. both banal and shocking. light and dark. easy and hard. sweet and sour. here and there. then and now. time and space. rock,
paper, scissors? what is the point?
so then you can get there just like i did, listing things off, pseudo opposites with small restrictions on oneself takes you somewhere else and you have only skirted the issue...you have only flailed in an effort to get to the source and thus been diverted to the outskirts...instead some old cliches, or whatever those are, and no answers for your friends, no comfort, no uncovering of settling truths which will take us away from the reality of where we are heading...the unknown.
bummer.
and i can't do a damn thing about it. or can i?
things i felt i could do and am thus doing in order to help or process;
1)listened
2)cried
3)said sorry
4)drank espresso
4.5)sent her a card at the p.o.
5)talked
6)listened
7)cried
8)put on reggae music
9)cut up a cardboard box from a package that the friend just sent me and taped it back together flat to glue things that she has sent me in the past. thinking of her and hoping those thoughts make a difference.
10) and then i wrote about it just now too