Friday, March 21, 2008

snow on the first day of spring

i feel like so much has happened since my last post.
how could that be it has just been a few days and you are out in the woods?
to that i say, the world is a complex and wonderful place and i did say it was only a feeling.

let's see the night before last i spent the night alone, first dancing in the studio as if i was perfoming on stage, then by the fire with some tequila, lime, paper and pencil.
i drew a drawing of each of my family members, meditated on them, wrote down some of their qualities, who they are to me and a prayer from me for them
and then i threw each one in the fire.
one by one. a symbol. a ritual.
letting go of old structures to make way for the new.
maybe it is weird. the idea arrived spotaneously while i was making my dinner, mac and cheese...then i ended up trying out the idea with one of them and it seemed to be the right move or anyway productive.
oh and earlier that day i created my own religion, in augustine's example based on the biases and let downs brought on me by my formative years of life. it was funny at first then i thought this could be a pretty successful template for many people to structure their life turns out to be the troubled one instead of woman this time, the unstable aggresor when given too much power but the sacred intelligent supporter when kept in his place, the right place. ha. you could imagine, i wrote a page or two of doctrine. the female, so strong and steadfast, only in her can the power of god justly and temperately be used...only in her giving love and care and life can the true magic of god be seen on the wordly at the end of my burning ritual,a few tequilas into it, it was only logical to announce my religion to the empty house surrounding was met with crickets... afterwhich, while i duely noted the inherent potential for great success and strength of my doctrines. and while it would be selfless and strong of me to bring these self generated truths to the masses i instead threw them in the fire...because augustine, the bullshit will stop with me, i will not pass it on to those that follow me.

so then fire.
fire!!!! guess i discovered a new use for it. put things in it and watch them burn and see what it stirs in you.
felt liberated and oddly relaxed after.
but alas too good to be true (or not)...had a horrific dream later that night. strong, clear, lasting. message was; things are serious colleen, do not take them are strong but even someone strong can get cocky and off their guard. it is not so easy as to just balk at the means that those have set before you...burn years and years of tradition without resistence? did you think it would be that easy and you so capable?
so now i am working it out.
david gave me a tarot card reading yesterday afternoon which indicated not only that i am on the right track but that i will get what i am aiming for. love, love not cynicism.

when i have tea in the morning, i position myself so i can see the pond david made to collect all the rain/run off. i like watching the raindrops land on the surface of the water, also i like to imagine what is underneath the dirty shaking surface. my visions of what goes on down there change radically with my mood and the time of day (pure personal entertainment) but yesterday, i had to do none of the work for my pond adventure, instead a mom and baby deer showed up and drank from the pond. it was a great spectacle for me and i deemed it the best thing of the day, which it was. but then last night david and i went to town to go to get a drink and dinner and when we came back it had snowed again and the snow had stuck.
so the snow spectacle tied with the pond/deer thing.
the full moon was out and the snow made the whole place glow, it was magical.

not sure what today will be about.
going in to town tonight to play poker, dance dance revolution and guitar hero 3 with some of my eugene women's ultimate friends.
excited about that...i think i could use some light fun social time...
'til then think i will meditate after some mild yoga then maybe paint in the workshop or draw in the kitchen. david left for portland this morning to visit some friends for the night...

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