no picture this time...and fyi, drunk blogging is now allowed

do you ever feel like the world is geared towards you
or anyway everything is with "you" in mind.
paranoia?
no more like a puzzle to solve.
who needs punctuation? figure it out yourself. put it where you need it to be. make me who you want, who gives a shit or anyway the sun will rise tomorrow.

so. here i am, down in laguna beach where i was
raised and thus a percentage of myself.
but no, i can't just be a product of my environment, i am
independent.
indy. pendant.
whatever so the world is trying to send me a message, nothing to
fast or over my head, only geared towards my personal development if...
if i meet the challenge.
so what there are a group of cooly supporters out there, gods, angels, spawns if you will...all invested in
my personal development and so,... so their charity funds go towards altering the environment
that i live in to make me realize something that is far too complex and in depth for them to tell me in a
straight forward, takes five minutes and costs them nothing way...one of those "learn by doing" things.

they have some vested interests that they are willing to spill their vacation funds into, in order for me, their own true hope, don't flatter
yourself colleen (maybe it is like the "for one dime a day you can change a child's day in africa"), in order for me to discover or
transcend what they have not been able to transcend themselves, or maybe they aren't selfish, maybe they have already transcended and
so they selflessly pour their resources to get the next person over the hill...
or anyway rambling aside, sometimes life is all too calculated that it makes me laugh.

tonight i hit the town of laguna with my stepdad. the bleached blond, silicon, too many tank tops and way too many
plastic horse type faces coming at me alongside insecure and grasping men covered in hair gel and whitening flashy flavored gum.
my response? give me a cheap beer. set me aside, let me dance oddly to this crappy dance floor for over 10 songs before i am finally noticed, approached, bothered
by someone who is also an outcast...with a baseball hat, rough hands and a propensity to lick my face without my permission.
what does that mean? my gods speak in metaphors, of course people, what did you expect? because that afterall is the language i
relate to. don't we all. DON'T we all?.....
ahhhhhh. the stupid world and then the man i love, the one i feel at home with is not here, he sleeps in his bed, that i can clearly picture, up and away. different motivations. different gods, spawns dictating his path, laying out the structures before him,have they heard of me, have they consulted with my supporters, do they collaborate...back to this plane = i know he would only welcome me
if i could be there right now, lift up the covers and let me come in, cuddle into his chest. sleep and turn and nuzzle in his comforting warm presence?
nope. NOPE!
go to sleep alone with the sound of vague waves and cold feet.

just any thursday

but it is not.
got some bad news this morning from a best friend about the passing of her mother.
yesterday and suddenly.
what to do in that situation? for her for anyone.
after talking to her. went in and cashed in on some free espresso from my sister's boyfriend. he gave me a coffee card for v-day.
life is so full of it. both good and bad. both banal and shocking. light and dark. easy and hard. sweet and sour. here and there. then and now. time and space. rock,
paper, scissors? what is the point?
so then you can get there just like i did, listing things off, pseudo opposites with small restrictions on oneself takes you somewhere else and you have only skirted the issue...you have only flailed in an effort to get to the source and thus been diverted to the outskirts...instead some old cliches, or whatever those are, and no answers for your friends, no comfort, no uncovering of settling truths which will take us away from the reality of where we are heading...the unknown.
bummer.
and i can't do a damn thing about it. or can i?
things i felt i could do and am thus doing in order to help or process;
1)listened
2)cried
3)said sorry
4)drank espresso
4.5)sent her a card at the p.o.
5)talked
6)listened
7)cried
8)put on reggae music
9)cut up a cardboard box from a package that the friend just sent me and taped it back together flat to glue things that she has sent me in the past. thinking of her and hoping those thoughts make a difference.
10) and then i wrote about it just now too

the departure

happened.
friday craig and i retreated to the far cabin with a fire. it was like a vacation from the vacation. we woke to snow.
snow again on sunday. which fucked with our driving plans.
so we took the coast down...we meandered. it was a good time, despite the weather and the length of time it took.
highlights; walking(?) on the beach and eating at Happy Clams in Brookings.
got in to sf around midnight.
since then been adjusting to the time change, unpacking and sorting out the logistics of my current life.
good to be back. it is all happening now. it always has been.
drinking a mild oolong with the window open and my shoes off in my studio listen to bunny wailer sing about the "black heart man". jah!!!!!!!!!!

on the lightning path

2 days in a row.
those are the last two that just happened.
gardening and wrapping up of projects here.
wild cats, these days, are back to say good by to me.
hmmmmmmm. tarot cards? did three readings since wed.
and one to me...david just gave me one this afternoon.
let's see...looking for balance, temperance, learn how to hold back...not dish it all out to everyone everytime...cause that may not be what they want or need....or
even more revolutionary it may not be what I want or need...instead a waste a drain.
just because you know the answer doesn't mean you have to give it.
just because you don't doesn't mean you have to expose it.
hold back, recognize and use the neccesary amount of force and strength where needed. no more.
observe and nuture people and enjoy it.
so hmmmm, i leave on sunday. we eat dinner with ben and meagan tonight, then pick up craig at the airport for a day here tomorrow and then a drive down together.
rain predicted.

early bird gets the...

coconut almond granola with steamed milk.

woke up at 4 am. did an hour or so of reading(d.adams, thgttg) before i realized i was really going strong, tried to calm my mind but too many thoughts of the future were blazing away...birds chirping, sun started to come up. what's the use?
so came in to the house, spent some time staring into the fire. then worked on the illustrations for our duck book. (which is how i spent yesterday as well). our duck book is cool. david and i mildly celebrated how cool it is and our general coolness last night with tequila in front of the fire. we also worked in a little dissing of our k-12 school experiences.

spring must have came and went cause it was cold and rainy yesterday with hail. which worked out since i was in drawing by the fire most of the day. today i have seen no rain just trees.
trees, trees, trees...i would like to trade an 'r' and an 'e' for an 'a', is that possible? why yes colleen it is, you ask for so little these days it is my pleasure to make you happy***...teas. teas. teas.
great i am gonna go make some tea.
today more work on the book, trying to wrap the projects up.
***note italic text means the voice of god

spring is finally here and

my days are numbered.
let's see since i last wrote...did some running and working out of my muscles.
not too much meditating unless you call drinking pabst in the sun
while watching ultimate frisbee meditating...which is not far from the truth
among certain subcultures.

tulips are out and loving it and i took some pictures of them yesterday.
david and i had a meeting of what we need to get done before i leave (i.e.in the next week)
and it made me feel claustrophibic...check that...the idea of it made me feel claustrophobic but the meeting made me feel better about the situation...or anyway
never underestimate the power of quantization.
we completed our storyboard for our next book after the meeting. it was very productive. but as i stated then(during our work) and will again..."we totally get the shit done when we are ready to get the shit done"...that is a paraphase but who really cares...in other words i don't care. such petty things as words and their correct use, order, placement and enunciation. when has it ever made a difference?
communication, smmmooonunication.
i ate a quesadilla for lunch then painted and ran.
so, while i am still feeling anxious about wrapping things up or anyway leaving this world that is my paradise, well while that...i guess i understand that time is moving and so many times perceptions are just that only perceptions.
it has happened before, it will happen again and wherever i go there will always be tea.
tea and me.

gardening

we spent the first part of the day gardening.
i planted beets by seeds.
onions by baby onion starters.
baby kale by seeds
and then david and i worked on the potatos.

it is a beautiful day. it was good to get outside and get dirty.

had a nice lunch and tea and next i will read and take a short nap.
i am doing a track workout with ida and co. at 5:30 on campus. then supposedly getting a beer with the physicists. then back here.
i like being here more than there sometimes. now is one of those times.

i will leave you with a photo of the sheep i gave to david as a gift when we first met, it has changed colors a bunch but always lived out in the garden.