Longest project I have ever worked on

This table will get done. The lesser known saying is "slow and steady wins the plastic table race, which isn't really a race or anyway it is a one woman race".

So Chance has helped me lay two layer of polymer resin and Gary has helped with two pours as well. In between I put some fish and a cat inside to go with the plastic and now the polymer resin stage is over.

The next stage is to finish/paint/decorate the side leaves and the legs...i hope that doesn't take another ten years. In more productive news, I have made some changes and updates to my website: www.littlemarlow.com

even it's been a while, it is never too late to get back to it

so it's been awhile. my time in ireland sparked me into thinking long-term about my future.
and it turns out to get to my future i have to (debatable? but i seem to have to) go back through my past. part of that makes me feel irritated and pathetic...riding on things once done, cashing in checks...etc but part of it is really cool.
most of it is science and trying to find a long-term position but some, a very small bit is art.
my plastic collage table is out of storage and in the dining room asserting that it needs attention.
in 2003/2004 i took a few trips down to the yucatan, where i basked in the sun on the beaches of tulum. most days i would walk the beach collecting plastic trash just like i used to do with beach glass as a kid. I would take bags of it back in my suitcase to eugene oregon. it would smell salty.

some of the bottles were still intact and i use them still as vases. here's my cat maxwell(rip) with some of them

the broken pieces are what i began collaging on this dining room table i was handed down from my older sister when i moved out of the dorms. back in slo.

Dude, get a load of those old school electronics.
so this table got a ton of old ocean plastic collaged on it and then used as my desk/art table for a few more years then it spent a good 3 years in storage.

it's never been finished. i am in the process of finishing it now. some things take that long, even if they are not revolutionary.
after i give it a solid acetone cleaning, I am gonna pour it's first coat of resin on. then i have another idea. but projects are many these days with me...but like i mentioned before they are more science and teaching and less art.

my irish days are numbered

last couple weeks have been dedicated to traveling around and looking at things.
but i did manage to spend the past two days getting some artwork done.
greeting cards, larger collages and a few small collaged paintings;
first one is called "devil dog on the street"

next one is "lovers on the street"

then "one past path of the american male"

then "monkeys of science"

i cleaned up my art space and packed up all my supplies so i will have to go without until i am back in my studio in san francisco in a couple more weeks.

add them up and i hope you get 19

last night i had a nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare...luckily the crazy overweight guy in a red and black striped shirt who startled me by knocking on the door standing outside the building i was in and holding random appliances was doing it in such a way as to frighten me sooo much that i was able to scream my way awake into the multiple stages of the dream until i finally woke myself up into reality. the strangest part was that the transitions out of each individual dream were all so quick that the finger poking me from my childhood friend to wake me up from the dream in level two down was still present on my side when i was finally awake which gave me another scare. i never understand how strongly i can feel the things i conjure in my mind...that poking feeling must have come from a real experience.

so yeah, anyway, i would say all these internal days working on art the past week and the massive amounts of sleep i have been getting due to the allergy stupor i have been in are adding up.

so today i took a break and got on my bike and rode up to Howth. it felt nice to sweat for real reasons. i felt grounded and good after.

tomorrow i will pick up the art again and try and close out the autobiographical book of which i have 3 pages left of the 19.

i learned to knit and crochet

knitting has my vote, crocheting sort of pissed me off.

knitting is good social/chatting work and i have two projects currently in the works and two i envision in the near future. i never thought i could be a knitter, it just goes to show.

these past few days i have been plugging along with my autobiographical collage book, i have about 7 more pages left of 19. it has been a challenge but i think i understand it, or what i am doing with it. guess i will try and post some of it when it is done for curious eyes. today i finished two paintings and did a trash collage base for another painting.
the first one is titled "anyone can be a mother"

and the second one is titled "the love phoenix"

recent completions in the past week

"one interpretation of the birth of American politics" paper collage

"the captain of my ship" paper collage

"Valentine's day on the tarmac" acrylic/mixed media

drama leads and artwork follows

a bit of dissolution followed after the last entry...
waking up, believing i had been finally dissolved into the past and i no longer existed as an individual.
the feeling was very strong but it really didn't last more than a couple days since i am with a good friend and i was honest about it.
she empathized and called it for what it was...an old framework in which i couldn't possible exist for various reasons which i need not mention here.

my artwork? so after forgetting what separates me from everything else i went on a bike ride, bought some white paint and some glue and starting collaging some bases for some small canvases

then i spent a solid day or two really busting out and moving along some paper collages, as well as working on my autobiography collage book...which is an interesting and challenging project and so far i am enjoying it.


collage is where i am at cause these small pieces are compact and will be easy to transport back to the states...topics covered are essentially typical; jabs at scientists, representation of the creature in my heart, the conflict between birds and planes, investigation of political hierarchies created by men, and critiques of american culture

appropriate times, spooky signs

whether you like it or not, things that want to be seen by you come to you.

they do.

they come on a plane or maybe they summon you by plane to a cul de sac across the ocean and then they swirl around you in different pieces and parts, til you put them together and they make it very clear that they are not going away and further more they are sick of being marginalized.

and when they do, you should just be thankful that your older sister is by your side.

but one thing i don't understand is why does my mother dislike me so much, why is she recently so adverse to me?

i guess someone has to be the fall guy...and besides something like that is not worth understanding, it just distracts... sort of like how the crazy naked people were able to beat the roman army for that one fight up north: a distraction from something bigger

perhaps i can properly pronounce my name now

or anyway as those in the old country would say it.
so i am spending a few months in dublin. i have been here almost two weeks so far.
it is working out for me.
here with some good people.
my aims and goals are vague but existent. think about things, do some art, ride a bike, read, drink a fair amount of tea,watch the world cup and talk about things large and small, deep and superficial, slapstick and serious with one of my core people...a great female physicist friend.
so far, i have met these goals and more.
this weekend, went with a mixed group of physicists and others on a walk through the wicklow mountains. it was beautiful and the wind blew through my mind for a bit of it... which was something that has been needing to be done for about half a decade.

time sort of flies and i am sort of in a haze. one of those that is giddy and fun. a young summer haze where things are really ok and you are with a people that make you lean back and smile and sometimes slap your knee or clap your hands in delight. plus i have new things to ask questions about and many practical unknowns to conquer. the weather comes in and out and resonates with how i perceive life these days...i have been neither too hot or too cold since i have arrived. the night comes later than i am accustomed to and the day earlier. my sleep is decent...one of the first nights here, i had a lucid dream where i was creating and summoning all types of things but was most focused and remember clearly this sheet metal component with wheels which kept on sliding past me, a slightly new shape each time. it was beautiful and bright.
when i take some pictures of my art scene i will post them, for now some seals i saw out in the ocean

cleaning out the bags

of trash that i have collected over the past few months.
out of it came 4 new base collages for to be used for paintings.

smallest one is refuse from a recent trip to new orleans...next biggest halloween, then one which contains work notes, reciepts and financial material and the other is the rest.
always therapeutic.
there is something about the fall that is nice to me. nice, nice, nice.
nice to spend a day in my studio.

too emotional and then there is the holidays...

god damn it.
started reading this self-help book with an aim to soften some of the edges in my family relationships and jesus, unsurprisingly the pot is being stirred up inside...
so what does that mean?
i think we can all be looking forward to some more f-ed up paintings about the inner workings of my family dysfunction this holiday season...and you thought...and maybe i hoped it was all out and i couldn't paint another.
otherwise i am busy working on part-time job and halloween stuff...maybe next week my dance card will be a little lighter and i can start putting images and words to the tightness lingering in my chest.

last night i dreamt i was lead astray and couldn't find a vegetarian sandwich anywhere

currently listening to a mix that i made my friend to commemorate his surgery in which he donated a kidney to a coworker.
how does one make a mix like that? what sort of tone? well it turned out to be a separation mix, a break up mix between him and the kidney...with a little bit of realization, reflection, then mourning and then a recuperation (moving on) period.
back to me...i am listening to it myself now almost a year later and it is hitting my mood very well.
go figure.
one can only muse at the complexity of the human spirit when coupled with the intersection and passing of events and time.
few sips of beer and some bites of orzo later, and i am not gonna lie or avoid the issue any longer, i am gonna speak directly.
i haven't written in this, i have not openly discussed my artistic experience since june. i know it. i have been busy and down, not deep down...cause deep down would have lead me here on the way to deep down. (fyi blogging is a few steps up from deep down for me, for those of you who like plain english).
but down enough and sort of veering sideways. art was happening, processing was happening but mostly it was teaching, paying the bills, putting in the time...giving the youth of today access to me and my wealth of physical cynicism.
for a month of it i was on crutches...down...literally, laid up... drinking beer, taking painkillers, getting stoned and watching a shitload of southpark.
not complaining about those days...except i am mostly a person who can't sit still wasting time for very long...hence taking up the wonderful suggestion of a friend to get fucked up to pass the time. southpark was a wonderful topper.
ok...boring.
so i have been getting very much into collage and as such my collages have become more elaborate and perhaps refined...more like my paintings and less like my furniture. i am very happy with this turn of events.

here is an example of one of them that i finished this one about a month ago...
it's call "not all men like the taste of blood"
it is about alot of things. none of which i will write about.

here is an one example of where i have been lately in the form of a recent greeting card i made
that's right i am in love bitches!!!

and last here is one of my more recent paintings, completed in the past month. it is a self-portrait...oh wait did i not mention above that i got snake extensions...

it's called "better put on your safety goggles"

alas: so i participated in fall open studios last weekend. that was a marker for sure, something i have been reaching for to heave myself forward.
it is a relief that it is over. it went well...i was less invested than last year but still a decent amount cause god damn it i am me. it calmed me down and
mostly made me realize how i need to think of myself and this career long term.
especially since i have opted to support myself with a non-art job...which was chosen i) to maximize my usefulness in the world ii) utilize my preexisting skills and iii)to preserve the integrity and pure intentions of my art and myself in that realm...
cause that is the most important thing in my world; the creative individual within me.
so this weekend i am going to big sur with the man i love....perfect for my creative soul.

last night's dream

walking away from an ultimate tournament in a dark-just up from the beach-environment.
as i walk on the hard dirt i note to myself that i am leaving no footprints, after i note that i begin to leave prints and they get deeper and deep the farther out i go. then i am called back to the group, i can't remember why or by who, anyway i turn back but i don't make it back to the original site cause i end up stopping off in a little side room where i begin to cut up images on paper, images of body parts, then an entire skeleton, which when i finish cutting it out begins to curl and blow in a small breeze - fuck, i realize i have killed her...she is a older friend of the family, i try to resuscitate the pieces of paper, pushing my fingers down repetitively on the paper ribs, but no sign of a pulse or breathing, i can feel her fading away, i run out in to the hall screaming "Help, Help, someone is dying".
an unfamiliar man comes in the room with me, he picks up the paper cut-out skeleton in his hand and says, "i am sorry there is nothing i can do, she has died, she's in the room right now waiting and you know what you have to do" at that point i am overwhelmed with an enormous nauseating energy, it enters my body, he screams "open your eyes, see what she is trying to show you, she wants you to know what really happened between her and your mother"...i am whirling and nauseated and scared, i won't open my eyes, i leap across the table into the man's lap and curl up i hear myself yelling among all the energy "if you hold me i will open my eyes, i will let her show me" but on some level i think i am lying and apparently i am cause as everything is whirling and buzzing around me he grabs me by my face forcing me to open my eyes and he looks into them and says "don't lie, i know you are lying...if you continue to lie you know what i will have to do to you" and then i woke up to myself whimpering in fear

june and the subsequent gloom

some people say "i love you"
other people profess love.
when self-instigated i take the road of profession.
when it is a call and response situation i just say it so as not to be awkward.
i believe the road less traveled is profession.

profession is a larger statement. the person who professes puts it out there.
because (while i have a fair amount of gall) i am lacking balls, my most recent profession of love was conquered through the mild lubrication of gin, beer and rum and the heavy inflation of pot.
a special package of unique beauty and enthusiasm that i dropped into my sleeping lover's ear at 3 in the morning.
it was weakly acknowledged that night and utterly ignored the following day.
thus i became guilty and felt stupid...why i can't be normal like all you other people out there is one of the great mysteries of life. come on, you say, send him the message in a card (i tried that it involved my decapitated eyeball and tequila and i am not sure he or i fully understood it) or tell him in the morning over a cup of tea in a cuddly little robe and slippers while rubbing your fingers through his hair and he holds your hand. or why not keep it inside of yourself, if you can't deliver it in a well balanced swallowable (wd?) manner.
too easy. much too easy for him and further from what is inside of me.
so there it happened and now, as david says, it is forever in between us.

the way i am coping is making an appropriate mix to develop some clarity on the issue, for all parties involved, regardless of their level of participation.
enough on the state of my romance....what is this blog about anyway and why haven't i been writing in it?

too busy trying to develop to a sustainable level a mode of income...been preoccupied with setting up camp, pitching the tent and starting the fire to make the food.
and thus not as much time to frolic down by the lakeside.
though some paintings have come, one i finished this past week entitled
"a progression involving me"
and a couple other i am currently working on, the one on the left is entitled "just because you have 3 wishes doesn't mean that you will use them all"

did some collages in april for the spring open studios, which i am pscyhed on, they sort of combine elements from my paintings, greeting cards and collaged furniture...

the 6 of swords and justice

i have done a few tarot readings this past week and i have come up both times, for my personal reading, as the 6 swords and in a joint reading as Justice.
then the usuals, the hanged man, the hermit etc...makes sense to me i guess.
crossing that foggy lake or river from the clash of the titans...drop some old roman coin into the skeletons hand and hope for the best i guess.

a little bit of push, pull and sideways motion of late but still on course. transition to working part time has taking some of the focus away from my art career...not from the painting though. that is still happening and creation...mildly marginalized but not compromised.
a few fridays ago i finished this painting "dreams revisited" addresses the point i am at in my life
then i did this quick little pig for my niece for her bday, she likes pigs.


then this last one is in process, started the collage a few weeks ago and have been slowly developing it...i am sure it is not far from being done.

hmmmmmmmm, so a week ago was dark and i didn't sleep well for several nightmare, toss and turn nights...frustration with the past, anxiety for the future, worrying about the present and the state i was in...it wore me down. i think i recovered over the weekend, i did some collage on a couple vinyl chairs for my bedroom which cheered me up, started to pull me out.
i have shifted my focus from paint to greeting cards the past couple days in my studio...doing some baby themed greeting cards.
this morning i treated myself to a nice salvadorian breakfast with a couple cups of coffee and a pen and paper to make two lists; 1) the groceries i am buying on friday at the new asian supermarket on mission and 18th and 2)my plan of attack in art.
so now it is just me in my studio for the day with a bunch of old paper, clippings, glue, tape and scissors... ahhhhhh, so nice.

tequilla and painting has it ever failed us before?

i would say...nope.
hmmmmmm. so haven't been as entirely fully focused on art and painting lately.
but today. that is what i ended up doing.
henry inspired/instigated it. he brought a painting he is working on to my studio and we painted in tandem...old school style circa late summer 2k6.
sipping tequilla falling in and out of conversation and our paintings.
finished a canvas that i have been struggling with for almost a year.
called "dinner"now he is gone, i am listening to music and about to normalize a collage i have been working on the past 2 weeks...the leftover big piece of wood from a while back.
feels good to be out of the world for a bit today...i needed it...that is what you call a break. i needed a nice little break.
ah, so back to painting. this weekend i will not have time for it.

on the eve of mlk day

well it is sunday night and i painted the night away in my studio.
dinner?
who needs it when you have pita chips and a strong desire to not go back to your apartment. not the healthiest behavior but you have to know when you have bigger fish to fry and then...well loosen the reigns. minimal intake, medium outtake.
alone time was what i needed with my art.
the past week has been focused otherwise...across the bay, on practical matters...transportation, living situation, expressing myself to people in a traditional and boring manner. i only say boring cause i am crap at finding meaning and grounding in all of it and i am bored with kidding myself and trying to acclimate.
i go in and out of faking it.
best times this week were those spent alone mostly.
so onward and upward, the paintings; well i finished the big one...
title "finally! a painting big enough to fit all my family's bullshit"
no surprise what that one is about...repeating the same old tactics leads to tradition and meaningless bullshit. nothing i want to participate in anymore.
and that is just it. last weekend when i did the bulk of it, i cried a bunch while working on it, painful tight chest...today nothing of the sort...left that behind.

then did this one which was a repaint on one i had been working on since up at fox hollow. the images etc came out pretty easily and quickly tonight, it is a response to a new relationship i am starting
...title "before the big bang"

guess i am starting to get sleepy. tomorrow physics and me.

time to let it off

the big painting is coming along. it is bigger than i am used to...perhaps it is my upper limit in easily navigable size with the constraints of my size, strength and studio size.
all the same i need to be painting today. my whole body and mind are telling me that...not to mention the other components; soul, heart and otherwise...tugging on my sleeve saying "paint dude, we need an outlet...let us let it go, we are tired of this subject matter"...
this subject matter they talk of whirling around in my heart, it is slowing down, clumping up, accumulating mass turning into more mucus...no not mucus!
last night my mind and chest were alight with a bit of anger...over and over and over the people who have played with me, manipulated, lied to me, compromised the integrity and beauty of humanity because they are weak...fuck them!!! fuck them...all the same i will not play their game, i never have, never will...i can't so then i leave...take care of myself...but when are their dues paid?
when?
fuck the illusion of dues.
their dues are inconsequential, they have nothing to do with me and my future...still since i won't play the game and they will not change, i am anxious they will step back into my life and disrespect me...all i can do is not engage, walk away...passivity.
my family is a let down.
and so since it is boring and dull to keep on writing about it, i will try and paint it or whatever...
i feel.

balls are rolling

back to sf. pretty drive back down.
but unfortunately my head and chest cold made the trip as well.
all the same back in the studio and feeling good about it.
yesterday was cleaning time...organizing, preparing stuff to bring over to my storage unit.
taking out the trash for the new year.
today came in ready to paint but also felt like collaging my trash...
nothing to collage on at first, headed down to the dumpster and aha!
the trash elves must have dropped by last night!
got a huge piece of plywood, debatably too big for me to carry...but i got it up here
and took my saw to it, cut it in two pieces.and then collaged all the trash in my personal trash bag. so my trash bag is as empty as empty can be. fresh start 2k9.

it feels so good to have no lingering trash from the year past to impinge on future paintings.
it will be the biggest painting on trash i have done yet.
finished a painting i had been working on since pre-xmas...called "a walk in the mission"

big changes on the horizon:
i have a part time lecturing job now which starts in a few weeks.
so i will have to shift gears a little bit but i am cool with that. money is necessary.
at first i was reluctant to come back to the world from fox hollow, it is so easy for me to be away from society, but i am ok now. this is part of my gig.

fox hollow never treats me wrong

so in came 2009.
david and i represented at a couple eugene dance parties with whiskey, scotch and moves. it made sense and worked easily for us.
slept in slightly this morning and then we got the place together for the burn.
i finished the painting "japhet in november and december of 2008" before people arrived which felt nice.

and david got the pile going.
then people arrived and we burnt things. the award goes to heidi for burning her journals...30 of them!!!
we all helped her and it was inspirational.

i burnt a few things, abstract ones, written on paper...fear of my strength, the past, a dream that has been holding me back.
then after the fire? more fire.
took a sauna to clear out my head and chest...turns out 2008 is putting up a decent fight to remain in my being, i.e a shitload of mucus.
and then yet more fire...throwing balloons and citrus rinds into the stove in the living room.
guests left. david and i reflected. again with the sauna for round II of operation "clear this shit out".
hydrate, hydrate, sweat, sweat..blow the nose.
david did some nude posing out by the burn pile and i took photos.
further relfection...
gave david a tarot reading by the fire...
now drinking water, blowing my nose, coughing and reveling in the easiness of warmth and solitude.
2008 the year of massive amounts of mucus.
2009 the year of warmth and flow.
this has been a good trip.