f the p

even it's been a while, it is never too late to get back to it

2011-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

so it's been awhile. my time in ireland sparked me into thinking long-term about my future.
and it turns out to get to my future i have to (debatable? but i seem to have to) go back through my past. part of that makes me feel irritated and pathetic...riding on things once done, cashing in checks...etc but part of it is really cool.
most of it is science and trying to find a long-term position but some, a very small bit is art.
my plastic collage table is out of storage and in the dining room asserting that it needs attention.
in 2003/2004 i took a few trips down to the yucatan, where i basked in the sun on the beaches of tulum. most days i would walk the beach collecting plastic trash just like i used to do with beach glass as a kid. I would take bags of it back in my suitcase to eugene oregon. it would smell salty.

some of the bottles were still intact and i use them still as vases. here's my cat maxwell(rip) with some of them

the broken pieces are what i began collaging on this dining room table i was handed down from my older sister when i moved out of the dorms. back in slo.

Dude, get a load of those old school electronics.
so this table got a ton of old ocean plastic collaged on it and then used as my desk/art table for a few more years then it spent a good 3 years in storage.

it's never been finished. i am in the process of finishing it now. some things take that long, even if they are not revolutionary.
after i give it a solid acetone cleaning, I am gonna pour it's first coat of resin on. then i have another idea. but projects are many these days with me...but like i mentioned before they are more science and teaching and less art.

my irish days are numbered

2010-07-26T09:36:00.001-07:00

last couple weeks have been dedicated to traveling around and looking at things.
but i did manage to spend the past two days getting some artwork done.
greeting cards, larger collages and a few small collaged paintings;
first one is called "devil dog on the street"

next one is "lovers on the street"

then "one past path of the american male"

then "monkeys of science"

i cleaned up my art space and packed up all my supplies so i will have to go without until i am back in my studio in san francisco in a couple more weeks.

add them up and i hope you get 19

2010-07-07T03:18:00.000-07:00

last night i had a nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare...luckily the crazy overweight guy in a red and black striped shirt who startled me by knocking on the door standing outside the building i was in and holding random appliances was doing it in such a way as to frighten me sooo much that i was able to scream my way awake into the multiple stages of the dream until i finally woke myself up into reality. the strangest part was that the transitions out of each individual dream were all so quick that the finger poking me from my childhood friend to wake me up from the dream in level two down was still present on my side when i was finally awake which gave me another scare. i never understand how strongly i can feel the things i conjure in my mind...that poking feeling must have come from a real experience.

so yeah, anyway, i would say all these internal days working on art the past week and the massive amounts of sleep i have been getting due to the allergy stupor i have been in are adding up.

so today i took a break and got on my bike and rode up to Howth. it felt nice to sweat for real reasons. i felt grounded and good after.

tomorrow i will pick up the art again and try and close out the autobiographical book of which i have 3 pages left of the 19.

i learned to knit and crochet

2010-07-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

knitting has my vote, crocheting sort of pissed me off.

knitting is good social/chatting work and i have two projects currently in the works and two i envision in the near future. i never thought i could be a knitter, it just goes to show.

these past few days i have been plugging along with my autobiographical collage book, i have about 7 more pages left of 19. it has been a challenge but i think i understand it, or what i am doing with it. guess i will try and post some of it when it is done for curious eyes. today i finished two paintings and did a trash collage base for another painting.
the first one is titled "anyone can be a mother"

and the second one is titled "the love phoenix"

recent completions in the past week

2010-06-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

"one interpretation of the birth of American politics" paper collage

"the captain of my ship" paper collage

"Valentine's day on the tarmac" acrylic/mixed media

drama leads and artwork follows

2010-06-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

a bit of dissolution followed after the last entry...
waking up, believing i had been finally dissolved into the past and i no longer existed as an individual.
the feeling was very strong but it really didn't last more than a couple days since i am with a good friend and i was honest about it.
she empathized and called it for what it was...an old framework in which i couldn't possible exist for various reasons which i need not mention here.

my artwork? so after forgetting what separates me from everything else i went on a bike ride, bought some white paint and some glue and starting collaging some bases for some small canvases

then i spent a solid day or two really busting out and moving along some paper collages, as well as working on my autobiography collage book...which is an interesting and challenging project and so far i am enjoying it.

collage is where i am at cause these small pieces are compact and will be easy to transport back to the states...topics covered are essentially typical; jabs at scientists, representation of the creature in my heart, the conflict between birds and planes, investigation of political hierarchies created by men, and critiques of american culture

appropriate times, spooky signs

2010-06-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

whether you like it or not, things that want to be seen by you come to you.

they do.

they come on a plane or maybe they summon you by plane to a cul de sac across the ocean and then they swirl around you in different pieces and parts, til you put them together and they make it very clear that they are not going away and further more they are sick of being marginalized.

and when they do, you should just be thankful that your older sister is by your side.

but one thing i don't understand is why does my mother dislike me so much, why is she recently so adverse to me?

i guess someone has to be the fall guy...and besides something like that is not worth understanding, it just distracts... sort of like how the crazy naked people were able to beat the roman army for that one fight up north: a distraction from something bigger

perhaps i can properly pronounce my name now

2010-06-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

or anyway as those in the old country would say it.
so i am spending a few months in dublin. i have been here almost two weeks so far.
it is working out for me.
here with some good people.
my aims and goals are vague but existent. think about things, do some art, ride a bike, read, drink a fair amount of tea,watch the world cup and talk about things large and small, deep and superficial, slapstick and serious with one of my core people...a great female physicist friend.
so far, i have met these goals and more.
this weekend, went with a mixed group of physicists and others on a walk through the wicklow mountains. it was beautiful and the wind blew through my mind for a bit of it... which was something that has been needing to be done for about half a decade.

time sort of flies and i am sort of in a haze. one of those that is giddy and fun. a young summer haze where things are really ok and you are with a people that make you lean back and smile and sometimes slap your knee or clap your hands in delight. plus i have new things to ask questions about and many practical unknowns to conquer. the weather comes in and out and resonates with how i perceive life these days...i have been neither too hot or too cold since i have arrived. the night comes later than i am accustomed to and the day earlier. my sleep is decent...one of the first nights here, i had a lucid dream where i was creating and summoning all types of things but was most focused and remember clearly this sheet metal component with wheels which kept on sliding past me, a slightly new shape each time. it was beautiful and bright.
when i take some pictures of my art scene i will post them, for now some seals i saw out in the ocean

cleaning out the bags

2009-11-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

of trash that i have collected over the past few months.
out of it came 4 new base collages for to be used for paintings.

smallest one is refuse from a recent trip to new orleans...next biggest halloween, then one which contains work notes, reciepts and financial material and the other is the rest.
always therapeutic.
there is something about the fall that is nice to me. nice, nice, nice.
nice to spend a day in my studio.

too emotional and then there is the holidays...

2009-10-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

god damn it.
started reading this self-help book with an aim to soften some of the edges in my family relationships and jesus, unsurprisingly the pot is being stirred up inside...
so what does that mean?
i think we can all be looking forward to some more f-ed up paintings about the inner workings of my family dysfunction this holiday season...and you thought...and maybe i hoped it was all out and i couldn't paint another.
otherwise i am busy working on part-time job and halloween stuff...maybe next week my dance card will be a little lighter and i can start putting images and words to the tightness lingering in my chest.

last night i dreamt i was lead astray and couldn't find a vegetarian sandwich anywhere

2009-10-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

currently listening to a mix that i made my friend to commemorate his surgery in which he donated a kidney to a coworker.
how does one make a mix like that? what sort of tone? well it turned out to be a separation mix, a break up mix between him and the kidney...with a little bit of realization, reflection, then mourning and then a recuperation (moving on) period.
back to me...i am listening to it myself now almost a year later and it is hitting my mood very well.
go figure.
one can only muse at the complexity of the human spirit when coupled with the intersection and passing of events and time.
few sips of beer and some bites of orzo later, and i am not gonna lie or avoid the issue any longer, i am gonna speak directly.
i haven't written in this, i have not openly discussed my artistic experience since june. i know it. i have been busy and down, not deep down...cause deep down would have lead me here on the way to deep down. (fyi blogging is a few steps up from deep down for me, for those of you who like plain english).
but down enough and sort of veering sideways. art was happening, processing was happening but mostly it was teaching, paying the bills, putting in the time...giving the youth of today access to me and my wealth of physical cynicism.
for a month of it i was on crutches...down...literally, laid up... drinking beer, taking painkillers, getting stoned and watching a shitload of southpark.
not complaining about those days...except i am mostly a person who can't sit still wasting time for very long...hence taking up the wonderful suggestion of a friend to get fucked up to pass the time. southpark was a wonderful topper.
ok...boring.
so i have been getting very much into collage and as such my collages have become more elaborate and perhaps refined...more like my paintings and less like my furniture. i am very happy with this turn of events.

here is an example of one of them that i finished this one about a month ago...
it's call "not all men like the taste of blood"
it is about alot of things. none of which i will write about.

here is an one example of where i have been lately in the form of a recent greeting card i made
that's right i am in love bitches!!!

and last here is one of my more recent paintings, completed in the past month. it is a self-portrait...oh wait did i not mention above that i got snake extensions...

it's called "better put on your safety goggles"

alas: so i participated in fall open studios last weekend. that was a marker for sure, something i have been reaching for to heave myself forward.
it is a relief that it is over. it went well...i was less invested than last year but still a decent amount cause god damn it i am me. it calmed me down and
mostly made me realize how i need to think of myself and this career long term.
especially since i have opted to support myself with a non-art job...which was chosen i) to maximize my usefulness in the world ii) utilize my preexisting skills and iii)to preserve the integrity and pure intentions of my art and myself in that realm...
cause that is the most important thing in my world; the creative individual within me.
so this weekend i am going to big sur with the man i love....perfect for my creative soul.

last night's dream

2009-06-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

walking away from an ultimate tournament in a dark-just up from the beach-environment.
as i walk on the hard dirt i note to myself that i am leaving no footprints, after i note that i begin to leave prints and they get deeper and deep the farther out i go. then i am called back to the group, i can't remember why or by who, anyway i turn back but i don't make it back to the original site cause i end up stopping off in a little side room where i begin to cut up images on paper, images of body parts, then an entire skeleton, which when i finish cutting it out begins to curl and blow in a small breeze - fuck, i realize i have killed her...she is a older friend of the family, i try to resuscitate the pieces of paper, pushing my fingers down repetitively on the paper ribs, but no sign of a pulse or breathing, i can feel her fading away, i run out in to the hall screaming "Help, Help, someone is dying".
an unfamiliar man comes in the room with me, he picks up the paper cut-out skeleton in his hand and says, "i am sorry there is nothing i can do, she has died, she's in the room right now waiting and you know what you have to do" at that point i am overwhelmed with an enormous nauseating energy, it enters my body, he screams "open your eyes, see what she is trying to show you, she wants you to know what really happened between her and your mother"...i am whirling and nauseated and scared, i won't open my eyes, i leap across the table into the man's lap and curl up i hear myself yelling among all the energy "if you hold me i will open my eyes, i will let her show me" but on some level i think i am lying and apparently i am cause as everything is whirling and buzzing around me he grabs me by my face forcing me to open my eyes and he looks into them and says "don't lie, i know you are lying...if you continue to lie you know what i will have to do to you" and then i woke up to myself whimpering in fear

june and the subsequent gloom

2009-06-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

some people say "i love you"
other people profess love.
when self-instigated i take the road of profession.
when it is a call and response situation i just say it so as not to be awkward.
i believe the road less traveled is profession.

profession is a larger statement. the person who professes puts it out there.
because (while i have a fair amount of gall) i am lacking balls, my most recent profession of love was conquered through the mild lubrication of gin, beer and rum and the heavy inflation of pot.
a special package of unique beauty and enthusiasm that i dropped into my sleeping lover's ear at 3 in the morning.
it was weakly acknowledged that night and utterly ignored the following day.
thus i became guilty and felt stupid...why i can't be normal like all you other people out there is one of the great mysteries of life. come on, you say, send him the message in a card (i tried that it involved my decapitated eyeball and tequila and i am not sure he or i fully understood it) or tell him in the morning over a cup of tea in a cuddly little robe and slippers while rubbing your fingers through his hair and he holds your hand. or why not keep it inside of yourself, if you can't deliver it in a well balanced swallowable (wd?) manner.
too easy. much too easy for him and further from what is inside of me.
so there it happened and now, as david says, it is forever in between us.

the way i am coping is making an appropriate mix to develop some clarity on the issue, for all parties involved, regardless of their level of participation.
enough on the state of my romance....what is this blog about anyway and why haven't i been writing in it?

too busy trying to develop to a sustainable level a mode of income...been preoccupied with setting up camp, pitching the tent and starting the fire to make the food.
and thus not as much time to frolic down by the lakeside.
though some paintings have come, one i finished this past week entitled
"a progression involving me"
and a couple other i am currently working on, the one on the left is entitled "just because you have 3 wishes doesn't mean that you will use them all"

did some collages in april for the spring open studios, which i am pscyhed on, they sort of combine elements from my paintings, greeting cards and collaged furniture...

the 6 of swords and justice

2009-02-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

i have done a few tarot readings this past week and i have come up both times, for my personal reading, as the 6 swords and in a joint reading as Justice.
then the usuals, the hanged man, the hermit etc...makes sense to me i guess.
crossing that foggy lake or river from the clash of the titans...drop some old roman coin into the skeletons hand and hope for the best i guess.

a little bit of push, pull and sideways motion of late but still on course. transition to working part time has taking some of the focus away from my art career...not from the painting though. that is still happening and creation...mildly marginalized but not compromised.
a few fridays ago i finished this painting "dreams revisited" addresses the point i am at in my life
then i did this quick little pig for my niece for her bday, she likes pigs.

then this last one is in process, started the collage a few weeks ago and have been slowly developing it...i am sure it is not far from being done.

hmmmmmmmm, so a week ago was dark and i didn't sleep well for several nightmare, toss and turn nights...frustration with the past, anxiety for the future, worrying about the present and the state i was in...it wore me down. i think i recovered over the weekend, i did some collage on a couple vinyl chairs for my bedroom which cheered me up, started to pull me out.
i have shifted my focus from paint to greeting cards the past couple days in my studio...doing some baby themed greeting cards.
this morning i treated myself to a nice salvadorian breakfast with a couple cups of coffee and a pen and paper to make two lists; 1) the groceries i am buying on friday at the new asian supermarket on mission and 18th and 2)my plan of attack in art.
so now it is just me in my studio for the day with a bunch of old paper, clippings, glue, tape and scissors... ahhhhhh, so nice.

tequilla and painting has it ever failed us before?

2009-01-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

i would say...nope.
hmmmmmm. so haven't been as entirely fully focused on art and painting lately.
but today. that is what i ended up doing.
henry inspired/instigated it. he brought a painting he is working on to my studio and we painted in tandem...old school style circa late summer 2k6.
sipping tequilla falling in and out of conversation and our paintings.
finished a canvas that i have been struggling with for almost a year.
called "dinner"now he is gone, i am listening to music and about to normalize a collage i have been working on the past 2 weeks...the leftover big piece of wood from a while back.
feels good to be out of the world for a bit today...i needed it...that is what you call a break. i needed a nice little break.
ah, so back to painting. this weekend i will not have time for it.

on the eve of mlk day

2009-01-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

well it is sunday night and i painted the night away in my studio.
dinner?
who needs it when you have pita chips and a strong desire to not go back to your apartment. not the healthiest behavior but you have to know when you have bigger fish to fry and then...well loosen the reigns. minimal intake, medium outtake.
alone time was what i needed with my art.
the past week has been focused otherwise...across the bay, on practical matters...transportation, living situation, expressing myself to people in a traditional and boring manner. i only say boring cause i am crap at finding meaning and grounding in all of it and i am bored with kidding myself and trying to acclimate.
i go in and out of faking it.
best times this week were those spent alone mostly.
so onward and upward, the paintings; well i finished the big one...
title "finally! a painting big enough to fit all my family's bullshit"
no surprise what that one is about...repeating the same old tactics leads to tradition and meaningless bullshit. nothing i want to participate in anymore.
and that is just it. last weekend when i did the bulk of it, i cried a bunch while working on it, painful tight chest...today nothing of the sort...left that behind.

then did this one which was a repaint on one i had been working on since up at fox hollow. the images etc came out pretty easily and quickly tonight, it is a response to a new relationship i am starting
...title "before the big bang"

guess i am starting to get sleepy. tomorrow physics and me.

time to let it off

2009-01-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

the big painting is coming along. it is bigger than i am used to...perhaps it is my upper limit in easily navigable size with the constraints of my size, strength and studio size.
all the same i need to be painting today. my whole body and mind are telling me that...not to mention the other components; soul, heart and otherwise...tugging on my sleeve saying "paint dude, we need an outlet...let us let it go, we are tired of this subject matter"...
this subject matter they talk of whirling around in my heart, it is slowing down, clumping up, accumulating mass turning into more mucus...no not mucus!
last night my mind and chest were alight with a bit of anger...over and over and over the people who have played with me, manipulated, lied to me, compromised the integrity and beauty of humanity because they are weak...fuck them!!! fuck them...all the same i will not play their game, i never have, never will...i can't so then i leave...take care of myself...but when are their dues paid?
when?
fuck the illusion of dues.
their dues are inconsequential, they have nothing to do with me and my future...still since i won't play the game and they will not change, i am anxious they will step back into my life and disrespect me...all i can do is not engage, walk away...passivity.
my family is a let down.
and so since it is boring and dull to keep on writing about it, i will try and paint it or whatever...
i feel.

balls are rolling

2009-01-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

back to sf. pretty drive back down.
but unfortunately my head and chest cold made the trip as well.
all the same back in the studio and feeling good about it.
yesterday was cleaning time...organizing, preparing stuff to bring over to my storage unit.
taking out the trash for the new year.
today came in ready to paint but also felt like collaging my trash...
nothing to collage on at first, headed down to the dumpster and aha!
the trash elves must have dropped by last night!
got a huge piece of plywood, debatably too big for me to carry...but i got it up here
and took my saw to it, cut it in two pieces.and then collaged all the trash in my personal trash bag. so my trash bag is as empty as empty can be. fresh start 2k9.

it feels so good to have no lingering trash from the year past to impinge on future paintings.
it will be the biggest painting on trash i have done yet.
finished a painting i had been working on since pre-xmas...called "a walk in the mission"

big changes on the horizon:
i have a part time lecturing job now which starts in a few weeks.
so i will have to shift gears a little bit but i am cool with that. money is necessary.
at first i was reluctant to come back to the world from fox hollow, it is so easy for me to be away from society, but i am ok now. this is part of my gig.

fox hollow never treats me wrong

2009-01-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

so in came 2009.
david and i represented at a couple eugene dance parties with whiskey, scotch and moves. it made sense and worked easily for us.
slept in slightly this morning and then we got the place together for the burn.
i finished the painting "japhet in november and december of 2008" before people arrived which felt nice.

and david got the pile going.
then people arrived and we burnt things. the award goes to heidi for burning her journals...30 of them!!!
we all helped her and it was inspirational.

i burnt a few things, abstract ones, written on paper...fear of my strength, the past, a dream that has been holding me back.
then after the fire? more fire.
took a sauna to clear out my head and chest...turns out 2008 is putting up a decent fight to remain in my being, i.e a shitload of mucus.
and then yet more fire...throwing balloons and citrus rinds into the stove in the living room.
guests left. david and i reflected. again with the sauna for round II of operation "clear this shit out".
hydrate, hydrate, sweat, sweat..blow the nose.
david did some nude posing out by the burn pile and i took photos.
further relfection...
gave david a tarot reading by the fire...
now drinking water, blowing my nose, coughing and reveling in the easiness of warmth and solitude.
2008 the year of massive amounts of mucus.
2009 the year of warmth and flow.
this has been a good trip.

last day of 2k8

2008-12-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

but i still have a ways to go.
all the same the year will have turned and a new year is just that...a new year.

so yesterday wrapped up with a bang, or anyway my soul was jarred or the little that is left of it was blown lightly to the ground.
by connie. the eugene reader that i saw yesterday.
a powerful experience.
validating, verifying and educational.
and she told me tools and tricks to work things out.
mostly keep my energy in use it to replenish myself for just a little longer.

then dk and i headed to our friends house for cocktails which was fun and easy then to dinner in town. also fun and easy.

no work today. we woke up and headed to the coast to meet up with some friends for lunch and a walk around.

then back to fox hollow in the dark...we got lost in the back country, round in circles, disoriented into the new year. hot shower when i got home then to rest in front of the fire before we head back into town for various ceremonial new year's eve parties.

tomorrow morning we are hosting a burn for friends out here. i need to create some cartoons of what i want to burn and then burn them...maybe it will come to me throughout the evening's activities. maybe.

back out on fox hollow to wrap up 2k8

2008-12-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

so here i am.
after visiting family has come and gone.
caught a ride with a friend up to oregon from sf.
great drive. decent weather...funny discussion, nice music.
arrived to homemade miso soup, margaritas and homemade sushi.
delicious.
like a nice warm hug on your way to sleep.
since then; david and i have done some planning on how we will spend the week that i am out here: wrapping up past projects most importantly and some house decoration.
currently i am making progress on the book binding of our "some seals" story = gorrilla glue and binding clips.
david is in town for a pedicure. then i will have to go in for a tarot reading in a bit (somebody's gotta give me some answers these days i guess)
we are getting ourselves in order in those senses(?) as well.

brought some of my own personal paintings as well. and i started working on them other day out in the workshop...those are some shots of them

it is very nice. very nice to be back in the space out here.

david is back and here are his toes. gonna have some tea and fire time before i go out for my reading

blue sky, puffy clouds, fleetwood mac

2008-12-15T13:00:00.001-08:00

"never going back again" is bubbling along with the background purr of my space heater.

in my studio. not doing art today. instead, putting attention towards getting a part time job to relieve some financial burden and i guess impose a little more structure to my life. slow time down; because time flies when you are having fun and at this rate i will be in the grave in no time. no no no, please not the grave.

this weekend i had a holiday open studios which was slow and people were sparse. though i sold a good deal of greeting cards. ended the time with my friends showing up and hanging out to some eggnog cocktails. that was the best part.
worst part was realization that being an artist and the type that i am, opens me up to being preyed upon by lonely stalker types...leading to a sleepless night of deliberating all the ways in which i should have shut people down or barricaded my person from invasion.
the tragedy of the world huh?
some would debate that. i actually have in mind who those "some" are, i know you are out there and to you i say...you have no idea.
all the same my opinion is go find your fucking connection somewhere else lonely stalker types...connect with my art and my cards, that is why i put them out there...but don't come near me, i am not a fucking free for all for all the lonely and uninspired.
bitter?

i am trying to look the other way but am standing in front of a mirror

2008-12-05T17:17:00.001-08:00

time to just look straight ahead at myself...
it is nothing i have never done before and no one is here to yell
at me that i am selfish...or anyway what could be more self-absorbed than standing in front of a mirror?
tattooing self promoting jargon on one's hip? debatable.

all the same drink from the well when you spent all day walking to it.

so painting today...broken up with a few phone calls and lunch.
then...
when the going got tough, the artist poured herself a shot of tequila and
communicated once again to the world around her...i am here to stay bitches and i am serious about taping into the collective conscious and letting it flow out all over this world of matter.
does it matter? time will tell no doubt but who's to say this or that.
i guess me, here, now.
so i finished 2 pieces today...the first is "3rd time's a charm" hopefully the last of the break up pieces that i make...who knows though, again with that whole time telling deal.

and the second is "right to be" which is about the actualization of homosexuality in our country and in a broader sense, embracing one's inner creature and being who one truly is to the strong reaction and resistance of "those people" who fear their insides so much they attack and ostracize others.

then i thought i would do a small demo of a piece i am in the midst of
first is the collage
next is the whitewash

third is the creation of lines and identification of images.

now i am gonna put on my non painting clothes and go out for a friday night.

December starts as a mixed bag

2008-12-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

got back from ireland just over a week ago.
it was great.
i am a horrible horrible person cause i am not giving it the proper update here that it deserves but time is moving beyond it and the seeds have been planted days ago so to talk about their beauty and the adventure in planting them is passé...
the green sprigs have sprouted i assume at this point...but i haven't gone outside to look. i have been keeping my head down at a desk somewhere inside my mental self.
but an update on broader things later.
besides i think i am already actually up from that serious boring desk and on my way outside, i just am scared to admit it just yet.

now = settling down from a day of art support...building frames, painting frames, constructing furniture to decorate, making calls, sending proposals, getting things done so when the artist steps out over the cliff their will be a nice bridge on which she can walk.
a practical needed bridge.
my hands are calloused and i sustained a decent gash between 2 fingers.
but my studio is quiet and clean and blank canvases of sorts await me for when i come in tomorrow. the little lovely creative creature in me has the rest of the week to use as her own without a practical thought needed. the work horse is done.
she is going to the lone palm for a cocktail.

thursday and i opted out of a cafe au lait for a yerba matte

2008-11-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

haven't really pulled the yerba matte card since late college.
so i thought today i would mix it up.
been painting more lately, that is all i really want to do and want to do now...but other things have been getting in the way; website prep, documentation, communication, resumes (looking for a part time job to start in jan), organization, hydration...to name a few.
ah but what about painting?...i can get a few hours in today at the cost of updating my website.
oh but tomorrow is tomorrow.

i donated my painting "long distance love" to Big Deal a visual aid event this saturday which supports artists with life threatening diseases. since i am volunteering i get to go to the event for free which should be cool.

i had an awesome lucid dream last night, which marks something:
****this may be borderline-too-racey for some people but it is reality and to deny this as an aspect of yourselves and/or me is too eliminate significant parts of who we are**** (in fact it may just make some of you jealous that you don't have the control or free flowing relationship with your subconscious that i tend to have...to which i say you actually do have it but you must cultivate it)
so i woke up and heard some pounding waves at my bedroom window, sat up in bed pulled back the curtain and saw a raging river down the hill, beautiful, powerful, engulfing trees and bushes...people who had some deeper significance (they were familiar and comfortable in the dream though i have no idea in waking reality who they are), a husband and wife and two adult sons. they were packing up the car on the street outside my window. flooding river water was up to their chests, i overheard them talking about whether they should alert me of the flood or not...water rushed up to my window, i put my hand on the window and it felt cold and refreshing. this is when i realized i was dreaming and rejoiced cause then i could do whatever i wanted, which was to get it on. i said aloud as i was pulling open my window "perfect, i am dreaming and still asleep"...i walked straight up to one of the sons...who was hot, no one i know (sorry guys) and i took him down to the water's edge, de-clothing him and me of our soaking wet clothing as we walked and we did it on this great soft wood bench with green all around...incidentally while we were doing getting it on, i remember looking at the guy and he was so clear and beautiful like the river...but he had toothpaste smeared just above his mouth which i sort of laughed about and he smiled about it too when i touched it (guess that is my unceasing sense of humor which never ends)...

so i feel good today, nothing like getting a little subconscious action to invigorate the creative soul...

weekend of painting

2008-11-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

so i have had the luxury of painting and collaging for paintings this weekend which
is wonderful. here is one of the pieces in process...i think i recently showed this one in its collage state

so i was making nice progress til a few hours ago when one of my wood box framed pieces fell of the shelf onto my head...this has happened with canvas pieces before and it startles and upsets me...
wood is not canvas...more massive, more dense, less elastic.

it hurt, i cried, i have a big bump.
i was frustrated, i took the piece that did the damage and painted a statement regarding the experience in black.
then i left my studio in search of ice with a bag that used to hold pistachios.
the first two places i went were closed...local bars do not open til after 3.
then i went to the fire station which was all closed up...i walked around the back, a door was open.
i went in and right there was an ice machine...so i took some and left. i iced my head for 20 minutes while laying on the floor of my studio, see documentation...

the bump is big and it hurts. i probably said that already but it does.
i ate some pistachios, wasabi peas and dried cranberries.
and now i am gonna go back to painting before my friends come over and we paint our faces like skeletons and walk around.

feeling overwhelmed a bit

2008-10-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

it is a lot to organize your life and time.
or anyway i find that.
many things going on...which project to commit to? hard to know.
balance, balance, balance...juggle, juggle, juggle-juggle.
my past week was consumed with work for david's aspect...and so we made progress but none of it is complete yet. in an ideal world...time and energy would be available now...
all the same i have to shift it all to the backburner so i can follow-up with other things that have been put on hold and new ones that have just emerged.
get myself out there into the art world = exposure.
that is the main feedback i have gotten from talking to art dealers/collectors/gallery types this past weekend.
apply for exhibitions/competitions/galleries...
then other balls in the air (more accurate would be balls next on deck to enter the air); find a job, hopefully part time...lecturing physics? something i can do which seems it may provide flexibility in time and mind...so i need to get my resume up to date and geared accordingly.
oh no, then get things together for holiday sale coming up. might try and make some zodiac onesies as an experiment and potential income?
it all comes down to money?
no it really doesn't come down to that, but we all have to eat.
then the december MAPP to organize.
i need a personal assistant.
but i coughed up a green and yellow amoeba this morning so i most importantly need to take it easy for the afternoon/evening.
tomorrow i fly to boise which should be great and easy.

made it through

2008-10-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

the weekend of open studios went better than expected...and that is not because i thought it would go poorly.
it just went really well.
lots of good positive feedback from the crowds looking at my work and i sold some paintings, a mirror, and my greeting cards.
tequila, as well, on the side.
am so tired now and got a crappy upper respiratory cold.
david lands in 54 minutes into sfo via united.
going to pick him up and then we have three days in the city working on the henri book and screwing around.
bummer i feel not so hot though for him.
think we will head to get some hot homemade tofu first thing from the airport.
beyond that? hmmmm, in life? my life is looking pretty good in the near future.
hitting boise idaho to hang with a best friend pre halloween.
for now though = finish emergen-c and call some people about picking up their artwork.
oh and i was featured on the shadow's sf art blog friday night see
http://shadowsf.blogspot.com/2008/10/shadow-attends-week-3-opening.html

turn baby turn

2008-10-14T14:54:00.001-07:00

i think the worm is turning for me.
yesterday was a good day.
productive in the studio, happy outside of it.
saw an old collaborator randomly in the street.
in his arms he was carrying a bunch of scrap matte board that he found on the street and he graciously gave me a few nice pieces. wonderful.
now it sits in my studio waiting to one day be collaged on.
i enjoy my bike ride to my studio from my new place.
glad to be biking again...
i wrote a rough draft of my artist statement this morning, finally. i have been procrastinating that big style.
began a new collage/painting today to...i technically don't really have the time for starting new work this week... have to get ducks in a row for friday and this weekend.

the collaging felt very good, i love ripping and cutting things up, gluing them on top of each other... lots of trash and notes heavy on the past month or so which has been heavy in itself....potential title "the months leading up to this/here/now"

spending the rest of the afternoon, drinking tea and finishing up a coffee table that i have been working on for over a month. sort of a bit of a splash out...or maybe convergence between my painting style and furniture should be fun.

anticipation for this weekend is all around me.
right now proof-listening to my friday night playlist.

things continue to change

2008-10-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

these past few months have been lame.
the world has been letting me down.
people talking trash and reacting harshly to me...upset to a large extent that i am choosing the life i have chose.
an artist, my own path.
then not coming through for me in any way.
where is the love?
big people in my life... people that should be there (based on tradition and genetics) have come up dry feigning ignorance.
a painful super novae explosion of sorts.
things that made up the structure of my life, what i have been allowing to define myself(to some extent) have fallen to the wayside.
i was sad, i am hurt but it has led to a renewed sense of commitment to myself;
currently my art. further my life goal of understanding and appreciating the world...
all aspects internal and external coupled with personal progress.
progress goes towards love, understanding, compassion, connection, integrity and more.
the relationship i was in easily fell...after much work and commitment...ultimately, it takes two to tango.

acknowledgment and appreciation of who i truly am.
that is what i am looking for now. that and someone with a hard science background. who was i trying to kid i have a degree in physics, i have a strongly scientific mind.

next weekend is san francisco fall open studios.
sort of what i have been gearing up for since april or may. mentally and physically.
hoping to get a better sense of this whole taking my artwork out to the world thing...how will i respond to the outside world coming in?
how will they respond to me? will i make some money?
...the child in me simultaneously says "who cares what they think, it is only for me that i do this" alongside "oooooo, i hope they will love me".
the adult in me flips between "what a great opportunity to interact and inspire/edify/further development of myself in light of others input" and "these fucking idiots will never get it".
so i guess those are 4 pieces of the pie.
all the same, this week i finished two paintings whose content has been weighing on me for an uncomfortable amount of time.
first one entitled
"you even surprised the ghosts that live in my heart"

it is in response to the end of my relationship with craig.
the second is
"sarah palin sold her vagina to the devil" and well it is obvious what (on a primary level) it is about

...deeper it speaks to the facade that our society has become and how it has utterly let me down in a larger sense for absolutely no good reason (which is the tragedy right?)...it parallels the same behavior which many of the people close to me who have hurt me or left me high and dry lately have exhibited...hurt, abandonment and damage for no good reason with absolutely no accountability.
"suck it up people try and have a little courage to be real and worthy" is what i want to scream into everyone's soul but we know that would do no good, everyone has their own path, their own means and their own time.

today i glued my pants to my butt. but i am still riding high

2008-07-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

what does that mean in the larger sense?
smaller sense = i am doing many things at once and am a little scattered, oh, and
glue is involved.
regardless the deed is done.

preparing for an art show next weekend. show and i are inspired by frida and part of the larger Mission Arts and Performance Project, which i have participated in once before(June 7th)...sooooooo
i am going to do a performance in which i transform myself to the tune of George Michael's freedom. then i am creating a few paintings and some framed collages.
paintings have a far way to come, but i have the reins on the collages.
here is one of the completed collages.

and the beginning of a few paintings...large tracing of my body is the base of one of them...then my typical collaged personal trash for two others...a blue and a white one.

what else? i have that charged feeling, like i have had too much caffiene, but i have had none today...
oooooooo la la. this is passion.
feel so lucky whenever the passion wave comes by way and i catch it and ride it...
in some ways it rides me. until i glue my pants to my butt and beyond.

no picture this time...and fyi, drunk blogging is now allowed

2008-06-14T02:09:00.001-07:00

do you ever feel like the world is geared towards you
or anyway everything is with "you" in mind.
paranoia?
no more like a puzzle to solve.
who needs punctuation? figure it out yourself. put it where you need it to be. make me who you want, who gives a shit or anyway the sun will rise tomorrow.

so. here i am, down in laguna beach where i was
raised and thus a percentage of myself.
but no, i can't just be a product of my environment, i am
independent.
indy. pendant.
whatever so the world is trying to send me a message, nothing to
fast or over my head, only geared towards my personal development if...
if i meet the challenge.
so what there are a group of cooly supporters out there, gods, angels, spawns if you will...all invested in
my personal development and so,... so their charity funds go towards altering the environment
that i live in to make me realize something that is far too complex and in depth for them to tell me in a
straight forward, takes five minutes and costs them nothing way...one of those "learn by doing" things.

they have some vested interests that they are willing to spill their vacation funds into, in order for me, their own true hope, don't flatter
yourself colleen (maybe it is like the "for one dime a day you can change a child's day in africa"), in order for me to discover or
transcend what they have not been able to transcend themselves, or maybe they aren't selfish, maybe they have already transcended and
so they selflessly pour their resources to get the next person over the hill...
or anyway rambling aside, sometimes life is all too calculated that it makes me laugh.

tonight i hit the town of laguna with my stepdad. the bleached blond, silicon, too many tank tops and way too many
plastic horse type faces coming at me alongside insecure and grasping men covered in hair gel and whitening flashy flavored gum.
my response? give me a cheap beer. set me aside, let me dance oddly to this crappy dance floor for over 10 songs before i am finally noticed, approached, bothered
by someone who is also an outcast...with a baseball hat, rough hands and a propensity to lick my face without my permission.
what does that mean? my gods speak in metaphors, of course people, what did you expect? because that afterall is the language i
relate to. don't we all. DON'T we all?.....
ahhhhhh. the stupid world and then the man i love, the one i feel at home with is not here, he sleeps in his bed, that i can clearly picture, up and away. different motivations. different gods, spawns dictating his path, laying out the structures before him,have they heard of me, have they consulted with my supporters, do they collaborate...back to this plane = i know he would only welcome me
if i could be there right now, lift up the covers and let me come in, cuddle into his chest. sleep and turn and nuzzle in his comforting warm presence?
nope. NOPE!
go to sleep alone with the sound of vague waves and cold feet.

just any thursday

2008-05-08T13:15:00.001-07:00

but it is not.
got some bad news this morning from a best friend about the passing of her mother.
yesterday and suddenly.
what to do in that situation? for her for anyone.
after talking to her. went in and cashed in on some free espresso from my sister's boyfriend. he gave me a coffee card for v-day.
life is so full of it. both good and bad. both banal and shocking. light and dark. easy and hard. sweet and sour. here and there. then and now. time and space. rock,
paper, scissors? what is the point?
so then you can get there just like i did, listing things off, pseudo opposites with small restrictions on oneself takes you somewhere else and you have only skirted the issue...you have only flailed in an effort to get to the source and thus been diverted to the outskirts...instead some old cliches, or whatever those are, and no answers for your friends, no comfort, no uncovering of settling truths which will take us away from the reality of where we are heading...the unknown.
bummer.
and i can't do a damn thing about it. or can i?
things i felt i could do and am thus doing in order to help or process;
1)listened
2)cried
3)said sorry
4)drank espresso
4.5)sent her a card at the p.o.
5)talked
6)listened
7)cried
8)put on reggae music
9)cut up a cardboard box from a package that the friend just sent me and taped it back together flat to glue things that she has sent me in the past. thinking of her and hoping those thoughts make a difference.
10) and then i wrote about it just now too

the departure

2008-04-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

happened.
friday craig and i retreated to the far cabin with a fire. it was like a vacation from the vacation. we woke to snow.
snow again on sunday. which fucked with our driving plans.
so we took the coast down...we meandered. it was a good time, despite the weather and the length of time it took.
highlights; walking(?) on the beach and eating at Happy Clams in Brookings.
got in to sf around midnight.
since then been adjusting to the time change, unpacking and sorting out the logistics of my current life.
good to be back. it is all happening now. it always has been.
drinking a mild oolong with the window open and my shoes off in my studio listen to bunny wailer sing about the "black heart man". jah!!!!!!!!!!

on the lightning path

2008-04-18T16:04:00.000-07:00

2 days in a row.
those are the last two that just happened.
gardening and wrapping up of projects here.
wild cats, these days, are back to say good by to me.
hmmmmmmm. tarot cards? did three readings since wed.
and one to me...david just gave me one this afternoon.
let's see...looking for balance, temperance, learn how to hold back...not dish it all out to everyone everytime...cause that may not be what they want or need....or
even more revolutionary it may not be what I want or need...instead a waste a drain.
just because you know the answer doesn't mean you have to give it.
just because you don't doesn't mean you have to expose it.
hold back, recognize and use the neccesary amount of force and strength where needed. no more.
observe and nuture people and enjoy it.
so hmmmm, i leave on sunday. we eat dinner with ben and meagan tonight, then pick up craig at the airport for a day here tomorrow and then a drive down together.
rain predicted.

early bird gets the...

2008-04-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

coconut almond granola with steamed milk.

woke up at 4 am. did an hour or so of reading(d.adams, thgttg) before i realized i was really going strong, tried to calm my mind but too many thoughts of the future were blazing away...birds chirping, sun started to come up. what's the use?
so came in to the house, spent some time staring into the fire. then worked on the illustrations for our duck book. (which is how i spent yesterday as well). our duck book is cool. david and i mildly celebrated how cool it is and our general coolness last night with tequila in front of the fire. we also worked in a little dissing of our k-12 school experiences.

spring must have came and went cause it was cold and rainy yesterday with hail. which worked out since i was in drawing by the fire most of the day. today i have seen no rain just trees.
trees, trees, trees...i would like to trade an 'r' and an 'e' for an 'a', is that possible? why yes colleen it is, you ask for so little these days it is my pleasure to make you happy***...teas. teas. teas.
great i am gonna go make some tea.
today more work on the book, trying to wrap the projects up.
***note italic text means the voice of god

spring is finally here and

2008-04-13T20:32:00.001-07:00

my days are numbered.
let's see since i last wrote...did some running and working out of my muscles.
not too much meditating unless you call drinking pabst in the sun
while watching ultimate frisbee meditating...which is not far from the truth
among certain subcultures.

tulips are out and loving it and i took some pictures of them yesterday.
david and i had a meeting of what we need to get done before i leave (i.e.in the next week)
and it made me feel claustrophibic...check that...the idea of it made me feel claustrophobic but the meeting made me feel better about the situation...or anyway
never underestimate the power of quantization.
we completed our storyboard for our next book after the meeting. it was very productive. but as i stated then(during our work) and will again..."we totally get the shit done when we are ready to get the shit done"...that is a paraphase but who really cares...in other words i don't care. such petty things as words and their correct use, order, placement and enunciation. when has it ever made a difference?
communication, smmmooonunication.
i ate a quesadilla for lunch then painted and ran.
so, while i am still feeling anxious about wrapping things up or anyway leaving this world that is my paradise, well while that...i guess i understand that time is moving and so many times perceptions are just that only perceptions.
it has happened before, it will happen again and wherever i go there will always be tea.
tea and me.

gardening

2008-04-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

we spent the first part of the day gardening.
i planted beets by seeds.
onions by baby onion starters.
baby kale by seeds
and then david and i worked on the potatos.

it is a beautiful day. it was good to get outside and get dirty.

had a nice lunch and tea and next i will read and take a short nap.
i am doing a track workout with ida and co. at 5:30 on campus. then supposedly getting a beer with the physicists. then back here.
i like being here more than there sometimes. now is one of those times.

i will leave you with a photo of the sheep i gave to david as a gift when we first met, it has changed colors a bunch but always lived out in the garden.

deer in my closet eating my shoes

2008-04-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

dreamt there were animals in my room walking around last night, trying to sneak but i heard them...i kept my eyes closed out of laziness, i.e. if you see the problem you have to confront it, if you don't you can pretend you are imagining it and stay sleeping in your bed (this was all a dream mind you, i am an expert in these types of reality similar dreams), so they moved around and i continued to play the fool (of sorts), til i heard them step into the armoire (my closet) then they started eating my shoes, at this point i could no longer ignore the situation, my shoes are apparently where i draw the line...so i got up, reached for my headlamp and put on my boots and walked over to the closet...at which point everything went silent. i looked in things were out of focus for a bit then they became so when i woke up with my boots on and headlamp looking in my closet with no animals and my shoes all lined up chomp free. realized it was a dream that brought me there and was somewhat annoyed that i woke myself up with this little "dream adventure" and grumbled over to the doorway to drop off my boots and head back into my bed, when taking off the boots i looked out the door window and looking in at me a few feet away was a large deer, with its friends in the background...we both scared each other then stared at each other.
then i got back in bed with my book to read myself back to sleep and proceeded to hear real life what inspired the dream, the deer walking around on the other side of the wall of my cabin and then chomping on some flowers or greens.
so that was last night. eventually douglas adams lulled me to sleep.

turned on my computer and been trying to write in this blog for the last 30 minutes
but instead been bogged down by emails. ahhhhhhhh.
hmmmmmmmm. i have been struggling the past few days with anxieties
that seem to jump to the forefront
race my heart, make my face lighten and throat tighten.
whenever i think of the outside world...ie leaving here.
which comes up soon. craig flys up next friday and then we must
be back in sf via the honda by sunday night. so there it is.

yesterday david and i went to tsunami bookstore in eugene to pick up a check for the sale of our first project "custard apples". that was exciting, we crossed the street after and had espressos and bought bread for later.
then we went to the fed store to buy hay bails for
planting potatoes today in the garden.
i saw baby chicks and a large bunny there.
had a long run in the sun yesterday down fox hollow. then ry (david's eldest son) came through for the night which was excitement.

today we are planting the potatoes, david is already in the garden. i need to get out there.

soft warm loving moss sleeves

2008-04-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

on monday i pulled a card from david's tarot deck.
5 of wind - fear
on tuesday i pulled another
death - things need to die in order to be reborn, one must confront fear as their final step
in transformation
and this morning i pulled the
3 of wind - recognition...a rebirth is occuring. i am the captain of my ship.

ohhhhhh what will i pull tomorrow?
i hope it is two tickets to paradise or a hundred bucks.
silly colleen, it will instead be another card marking the next step on the
neverending path of personal (whatever it means to be a person) development.
i guess so.

so why is oregon so wonderful?
david didn't neccesarily ask, but i answered this morning.
it is because everything is so loving here...i was looking out the bathroom window (see figure 1) and reflected that the domain
just reeks of nuturing and love, a tree's bare branches are wrapped in a nice green moss, like a little sweater...
it is not like the moss is draining the tree or trying to suffocate it, it is instead like it is trying to keep the tree warm. it is hugging the tree and loving it. that is even how it feels when you walk on the ground here, so soft from all the moisture and plant debris, so supportive on your feet and the air is easy to breath.

yesterday was productive after lunch. i bought some wood blocks to carve to make block prints a few days ago so i worked on carving them and my thumb by the fire. here are the results. it was a fun activity. it made me happy.

then i painted most of the evening/night. finished two paintings, below.

worked on a new base collage and screwed around on two canvases i keep on screwing around on.
david joined me out there for a bit with margaritas for us and he worked on framing his upcoming entry into the eugene mayor's art show. figure 5.
then we had a dinner of yams, potatoes, veggies and beets. it was delicious.
afterwhich i talked to craig on the phone about crazy white collar criminals(?). i felt tired but somehow i stayed up to watch the movie david had put in...Bobby Z (fyi part of it takes place in laguna beach by chance)...it was total crap...but in a somewhat enjoyable, days of our lives kind of way.

out with the cats in with the ants...and the turkeys a constant background

2008-04-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

hi.
i am tired.
i have been running up a lot of hills.
yesterday and today.
in the rain, my running shoes are basically dark brown.
tomorrow i am taking a day off of running. just easy yoga.

b.fast in town with my friend jan at 8:30 tomorrow. one of my fav. places that i have not been at yet...i will get the cajun poach or the french toast depending on how i feel when i get there and maybe an espresso or else an earl grey tea.

past few days have been much of the same. tea, meditation, little painting here and there...oh wait. no, i totally forgot i got gouged today by the government.
taxes. that sucked and took up much of my afternoon. worked out most of my rage about it with my friend missy as we ran up a muddy hill in the pouring rain this evening.

i woke yesterday morning to an attempted takeover of my room by these huge black ants with wings. i have seen a few of them on and off in the past on solo (perhaps scouting) missions and have shuffled them out the door...but this was ridiculous there was a huge mass of them on the ceiling and i realized it when a few hit me on the head. so i had to eradicate their asses. the bulk are gone but i am still needing to sweep 5 or 6 out every once in a while. they are huge.
i made a drawing of the two types i am dealing with, i would say i have 4 type 2s to every type 1.

then i just now googled big black ants and i immediately have found out what i am dealing with...those of you who "know" ants were probably already thinking "she has carpenter ants, it is obvious" and well touché.
the type 1s are worker ants and the type 2s are female ants
"Occasionally, swarms of winged carpenter ant reproductives will emerge inside a home. Carpenter ant swarms usually occur in the spring and are a sure sign that a colony is nesting somewhere inside the structure." gross. but anyway yesterday morning david gave me some poison stuff to staple to the ceiling where they were which i did, which i think their numbers have been down since then...and the ones that i have seen since and shuffled out the door have been moving much slower then their monday morning siblings...so it seems the poison is working to some extent.
another fact "Carpenter ants actually construct two different kinds of nests: parent colonies which, when mature, contain an egg-laying queen, brood and 2000 or more worker ants, and satellite colonies which may have large numbers of worker ants but no queen, eggs or young larvae." david mentioned something like this...i probably have a satellite colony.
well so maybe the ants scared away the cats cause i haven't seen them in a few days...hmmm.
put out some food tonight, did my "chhhh-chhhhh-chhhhhhhhhh"ing but have yet to see hide nor hair.
i think i miss them or anyway i prefer a mess of cats living under me to the swarm of ants above me. can't have it all.

sis boom bah

2008-04-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

last night david and i made a solid showing at our personal
happy hour.
complete with entertainment; we watched some footage of some of his old performances.
he is a performance artist. he knows what he is doing.
it is inspirational.
then ravioli and "the good night" with p.cruz, g.paltrow, and d. devito.
started strong but slow...ended slow and lame.
i booo-ed as i put my boots on and went out to my cabin.
then i boo-ed again just before i fell asleep.

loud noise followed by a dying "tweet" early in the morning woke me up.
bird hit window again, this time of my cabin. poor bird.
when i got up and looked around to find it...
it was gone, just a mess of feathers, my under the cabin cats must have came out and dragged it under for breakfast.
lazy hunters.

drove in to town to meet my friend ida and others for a run along the river.
chilly but nice. came back to hot shower, fireside nap and then painting.

no tea yet today...amazing.
amazing. a small break... but a break all the same.
productive nonetheless. did all the illustrations for one of david's poems in one sitting before dinner.
scanning them now.
also did some drawings for my own purposes...

traditionally caffeine is correlated to productivity.
not today BITCHES!!!!!!!!

today is not friday the 13th

2008-04-04T17:26:00.001-07:00

cats are eating their daily food as i write.
and the rain is falling too.
rain on and off today.
after breakfast went up to far cabin.
started a fire and spent the day meditating.
just got back down to the house and am having happy hour by myself in front of the fire.
beer, chips (scrappy bottom of the bag chips) and salsa.
a little pumped for some external stimulus after all that internal time.
"hermit hermit hermit crab
why you in that shell?
hermit hermit hermit crab
come out and drink this beer"
so there you go.
i am not gonna to fight that wall of tradition.

something small is better than nothing

2008-04-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

voila.
the wild cats and i are moving along...well, at least 3 of them and i are taking it to the next level of trust and solidarity. potentially four.
met up with physicists...the taylor lab reunion...billy, matt, richard and i.
we all used to be so tight down in the basement and now look at us all...spiraling out in all directions...some further than others...i.e. what nest? it was only a fucking illusion to get you to the next spot....shhhhhhhhhh don't tell the baby birds that yet. they aren't ready. even some adult birds are not ready to find that out.
i am not one of them.
neither is richard...but some how he is still caught up in it.
today was warm and beautiful and i had a massage.
tomorrow i am spending the whole day in the upper cabin meditating....i made a schedule and i will use my brother's comment yesterday to guide a sit. thank you billy.

april fools man

2008-04-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

y.day;
breakfast in town with old friend jan. ice on car and road.
6 pieces of french toast, blueberry compote and yogurt, earl grey tea.
lunch in town with friend rick. fish (tuna) needed protein.
went to grocery store to, to get supplies; beets, yogurt, crackers, salsa, kefir, grapefruits, beans, pasta.
then went on a run down fox hollow, david dropped me 3 miles away on his way into town and i ran back...hilly but beautiful and the sun was out, ran past my friends the sheep.
stretching, meditation, phone call, dinner, good wine...retired early cause the day wiped me.

slept til 10:30 this morning, needed it. had stressful dreams of the past but in a more explicit disturbing way...all the while thinking, damn this shit is more fucked up then i remembered it, why am i revisiting this? upon waking, i think maybe it was a lesson...maybe explicitly saying, in an over the top sort of way in order to draw the correct (or needed) level of attention to the thing, explicitly saying this is what was going on...really. and you are right. you are not over reacting.

my dreams are much like me. sometimes i say things a little over the top and shocking to prove a point, draw adequate attention(we all are so numb, so lackluster) definitely in casual conversation and in my paintings but not at the cost of others.
the cost of others!
do i really cost others that much?
seemed to be the topic that came up in my meditation after breakfast. i am sick of screwing things up for other people. causing trouble, being responsible, to blame for everyone's difficulties...that is why i came out here, to save you from me, little me, so there is no way you can logically, technically put me at fault...that is why i hide out within myself. but does it stop you...does it stop me from taking it on.

last night david and his g.friend ran my astro chart while i was on the phone.
"such a strong chart" 4 planets in the 10th house. a taurus moon. 3 planets in leo.
3 in taurus. very internal chart. only place i come out in the external is through the subconscious in the intuitive. only come to the external to manifest my internal.

can't touch me with a ten foot pole people. just hope for packages once in awhile. then what?
hahahahahahaha.....blame me all you want.
cause i am here and you are there.
and i've got the means and the desire to let it out, do you?

wild cats? or not

2008-03-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

last night went over well.
stayed out in the workshop late into the night painting. finished one more.
this one called "i said i am out at f.hollow"

i also began repainting the dwarf statue that david had out in the yard...i am giving him a fresh outfit for when the weather gets better.
fed the cats again before i went to sleep 'cause they were out and about and i felt they deserved a snack.
watched them eat it from the window, tried to indicate that i was their friend by not getting strong eye contact and saying "don't worry i am your friend". i think most of them understood...some were more eager to have a human friend than others...in the middle of the night, i heard a few of them meowing and that could have been what it was about, my friendship.
in the morning, a surprise on the front step. i thought "oh my god, what have i started? the cats have killed the bird for me to show appreciation, but the poor bird"

then david came home and i asked him about it. he said no way, the bird just hit the window. some times i have such an imagination. i like that about myself, my life is debatably more entertaining and rewarding as a result.
nonetheless; the moral ...the bird thought he could fly further than he could and he ended up dead. kaput. but it is a beautiful bird which made me sad.

spent morning meditating; trying to summon love from within which was a struggle, i just couldn't get it, then reached out to the world to see if i could just pick some of it up from out there...but nothing strong was swinging my way at that moment. oh well, something to work on...i just kept coming back to tea and how much i love drinking and preparing tea. to quote myself from 2000..."tea, love it or leave it".
meditation goals sparked a lunchtime conversation about love with david. what is love? love is gravity, a connection between two people...but david, sometimes connections can be bad, that is not love, it can't be, love should only be nuturing and good...
that is the pot of gold at the end though. it is more complex, multiparted, when you love someone or they love you...sometimes it nutures, other times it drains. it is tight though, it pulls you and you can't escape it...hope for a balance of love's components for good health and balanced happiness. that is the quick rough raw summary. so i will meditate again after this and maybe tea will come up again, maybe not.
then david and i will meet for a tequila by the fire. i am gonna burn on of my old bras rhen...i hit my limit with it today when working on the ladder on the skeleton. the strap just kept on falling down and i thought, when i finish this i am taking this bra off and it is going in the trash
...then a lightbulb.
better yet the fire. i am gonna burn my bra, just like the good ole days, which will be the pre-dinner entertainment at fox hollow.

after lunch i began a bigger project, one i have had a vision of for at least 8 or 9 months... a skeleton painting in the stairwell up to the top floor of the house. i traced my bodyparts so the result is to-scale of me...which i think is cool. it has more work coming to it for sure but i made some solid progress.
today was the first day in days that it didn't snow.

still with the crazy weather

2008-03-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

hail, snow, rain, sun...whatever, it is march 30th and it is still going on.
it is significantly cold.
yesterday was another productive day...work for the colleen and david collaboration.
which we have decided to call "spRk & sl8 between things", the collaborative effort that is.
today?
bfast = olive bread and goat cheese, a grapefruit and a pot of tea.
then i worked on decorating the fruit and veggie bins in the refrigerator
with sharpees* by the fire. (*you can basically do anything here out on fox hollow and it is supported...unless you are an asshole)
lunch = quesadilla with salsa and avocado, emergen-c.

so the wild cats out here are numerous, as i think i have mentioned before. there are at least 6 that live under the workshop and my cabin. i got them some cat food in town on friday because the weather has been shit and i am sure they could use the additional support...usually they have been eating david's and my compost trash that we put outside everyday which has no meat in it and is heavy on the grapefruit skins, which i am not sure is adequate, they are probably on the verge of getting whatever the opposite of scurvy is...so i fed them some cat food again after my lunch and they were happy i think. they drag the plastic dish of food under the cabin after i put it out just like animals.
then i worked by the fire on the bins some more.

david came back from town and brought the sunday crossword with him and worked on it in the kitchen while i consulted from the fireside.
oh re: the cats, on his drive he saw one of our cats in the field across the road making a kill...pretty nice! i would like to take credit for that i think that having provided them with a snack yesterday they had the energy to strike out into the hunting arena once again.

wrapped up the bins around 4

...then started a fire in the workshop (so it will be warm when i go out there to paint after this with a pot of green tea)...then some yoga and meditation and here i am.
sunday night alone at fox hollow.

snow?sun? hail? march.

2008-03-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

woke up this morning to it snowing. watched it fall out my window from bed.
wanted to fall back to sleep but it was hard to pass up watching, so i did.
the waxing and waning of the current of snow flakes and of my mind.
then such a productive day so far.
breakfast, tea, mild yoga and meditation then a long meeting with
david starting at 10:30.
we each had pulled a tarot card for the day; david got the magician (echoing the reading i gave him last night, which was his outcome card, the archetypical man who understands and wields the powers of the world),i got 6 of wind, clarity (echoing my most recent reading, where it fell into the position of my current strength).
the meeting was discussing our various projects...all books of some sort...and their respective futures and our role in them (their respective futures).
it was productive and positive. then we finished with lunch...david made eggs,potatoes and veggies and i made accompanying quesadillas. more tea.
computer time.
then the sun came out.
next some hydration, some reading and another short meditation to get me in the right mindset to head into town later.

think i may have exited (or at least begun to exit) a funk yesterday by way of painting and personal reflection/clean up...also i went on a run in the woods which didn't hurt (well actually it did, i am sore today) but back to the funk...
been very recluse of late, having a hard time interacting, feeling very "leave me alone"/"i just want to be by myself"...perhaps it came to a peak yesterday afternoon during phone conversation with craig by the fire...very difficult/frustrating for me to interact successfully in the funk...the complex creatures that we are; simultaneously wanting two seemingly contrary things or not knowing what we want or being afraid to own what we want...all of these things and then the ones we love, the ones closest to us, they see the struggle and they get wrapped up in it or we try to keep it from them, as we pull them in to us with our arms and kick them away with our feet...nonetheless, after that something clicked as i spent the majority of the day in the workshop painting.
i love painting.
so yesterday i finished another painting called "out on fox hollow"

get out of town, now it is hailing!!!

this day is all over the place. i guess march is getting out all it can before it has to wait 11 months for another chance.
who would blame it.

snow in the morning

2008-03-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the hump.
the second part was hard to get through.
the party was slow...or i was slow, or maybe i was too fast...i am not sure.
no one will ever know that but what i can say for sure was that we (the party and i)
were not in sync. and it was significantly apparent and uncomfortable.
guess it could be in part to my introspective lifestyle out here...but it felt very detached,
foreign to me...couldn't engage in small talk...only could make broad all encompassing abstract
comments about humanity...i.e. "what do we really know anyway?" comments and delivered out of context.
in otherwords, you and your friends are camping, long beautiful day marvelling at nature, engaging your body in a hike, building a fire etc...you stare into the fire slightly buzzed and exchange such ponderings as "what does it all mean?" "is there a collective consciensiousness?" etc. and it is an appropriate forum for it...the contrasting picture; i am in town at a 60th birthday party in a duplex, cheese and crackers and dip, black cherry soda and wine, the crowd is very mixed; in age and background, religious, education or otherwise. i am wearing tight black pants and green high heels and grey off the shoulder sweater with green tank underneath (what i deemed to be appropriate "in town" clothes)...people ask questions like "does anyone know where the bathroom is?" and i respond cynically from my slouched position in a chair that is too big for me "who knows, does anyone know fucking anything anyway?"...people don't know how to respond in that situation, maybe a nervous laugh, i couldn't really help them either...so i was in the wrong element and it was felt.
nonetheless i ate cake, had a glass of wine, which was too much, considering i was already
tripping a bit...so i pounded 2 mugs of water and barely made it to a respectable exit time.
today, as the title claims, i woke up to snow on the ground which makes sense cause it was really cold last night.
have a fire going in the workshop, gonna paint for the day, then go on a run later.

settling in

2008-03-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

was just snowing outside for a bit, now it has turned back to rain. a heavy rain day.
where to begin?
easter ended with a bang, if by bang you mean ended up with me getting sick in the bathroom. vomiting.
but the dinner before that was good, at least in company. david and i met his friend heidi in town who is an artist/tarot/astrologer. she clarified what a "psychic" was upon
my inquiry, the conversation also gave me some confidence/clarity to my current intentions/aims.
getting sick? no one will ever know why. my guess is that alot of stuff used to be going on around me and some has still been going on in me and then i was putting much more in and my body was having trouble keeping up...so it expressed itself. david has to remind me that i am going through a major life transition and it takes time to decompress. i guess i agree, but i want to be infallible and productive.
mmmm, delicious, i just made a great pot of tea. milk aroma oolong with a little bit of sugar and milk. nice.

the following day was a recovery day, much napping and fire time. didn't have an appetite, was a bit tired and down. david hung with me periodically by the fire and kept me afloat with a combination of light joking, deep affirmations and cynical ponderings. went to sleep early. some days are like that and you can't beat yourself up about them. well you can beat yourself up, but you are a jerk for doing it because only jerk beats a dead horse and death is inevitable.

aha! the rain has turned back to snow. it is so beautiful and slow, coming through the trees all around the kitchen.

i took some photo documentation the other day since i woke to sunshine and 2 wild female turkeys pecking outside my door. they come and go.

here is david too painting some molding to frame a bunch of cool paintings he bought in new york

and then a picture which sort of displays my set up here. i am actually still living in the "closer to the house" cabin as opposed to the one up on the hill without electricity. think i will keep that one more as a "retreat" from the retreat and maybe spend a day or two up there soon.

on monday, david was doing work in the garden and i went out to visit him in the early evening and walk around the garden when we were paid a visit by his neighbor, Duane. Duane is like in his early forties and has the most ridiculous mullet i have ever seen live. see figure 1(*sorry for the roughness of the image, i don't have my mouse with me right now). he rode up the driveway to us on his off road honda motorcycle. he is missing a few teeth and has a hand gun strapped to his side in plain view. nice guy though. just majorly a "country person" and very surreal for me. he is a lonely guy, works all the time but had the day off, obviously was bored shitless and saw us milling aorund the garden and wanted to come check out the action. david had to gracefully say "well, great seeing you duane, moving on" several times..."well you guys know, just holla if you need anything, anything at all, just holla, i will hear you". which is nice of him.

the next day was yesterday. we had a big day...we packed up david's truck with an old carpet from the guest room and a bunch of other trash and took it to the dump. which was a novelty. then we hit the grocery store and lunch. we hit the grocery store to get the supplies for our dinner that we had last night. my ultimate friends CJ and Missy came over and we had a Baked ziti type dish david makes. then we played ping pong in the workshop...oh but when we first went in there, there was a bat flying around, so i ran out, then i went back in while missy and david tried to get in out, then i went under the ping pong table, then i came back out cause i felt stupid since i was really the only one reacting like that.
always falling to peer pressure.
oh so then figure 2 (*) shows what i remember of the bat (i told missy i would make a figure for that one). the bat stayed in there with us, he went up on a shelf to sleep. david says he is probably in there all the time with me sleeping.
ping pong is fun. i really like that. i am treating it like kara-te and david as Miagi. last night i grasped the concept of moving my energy forward at all times and meeting the ball before it meets me. then we all came back in the house and played scrabble. which is hard for me on a variety of levels but i was around people i like so that was what mattered...
long story short last night was a fun night for sure. a success. missy and cj brought us brownies, which i am eating one currently with my tea...mmmmmm. afternoon tea at fox hollow.
so the rest of the day? well it is a cold/wet one, think i will meditate after this, do some mild yoga, then maybe come back into the house and draw by the fire.
tonight i have to go in to town for my friend jan's bday party.

also i finally took pictures of the paintings i finished this weekend
this one is titled science

this one is titled my sister

and ps it is really coming down in snow buckets now, there is a little bird sitting on the deck outside getting hit by the big flakes and it is probably thinking "jesus, i just flew back up here, now i gotta go south again"...poor guy.

easter sunday

2008-03-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

i slept in til 11 am this morning.
amazing. i didn't realize i was such a sleeper but i really am these days.
it is encouraging to find out new things about oneself like that.
guess i stayed up late though, til past two.
watched "southland tales" with david then i read a bit more about the irish saving civilization.
southland tales is a f-ed up movie; it was all over the place.
yesterday i drew and drank tea out on the deck in the sun, which was nice.
i also finished two paintings. i will put photos of them up in the next entry.
then the usuals; eating. meditating and reading.
i ate 2 and 3/4 quesadillas yesterday. mmmmmmmmmm.
happy easter bunnies.

snow on the first day of spring

2008-03-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

i feel like so much has happened since my last post.
how could that be it has just been a few days and you are out in the woods?
to that i say, the world is a complex and wonderful place and i did say it was only a feeling.

let's see the night before last i spent the night alone, first dancing in the studio as if i was perfoming on stage, then by the fire with some tequila, lime, paper and pencil.
i drew a drawing of each of my family members, meditated on them, wrote down some of their qualities, who they are to me and a prayer from me for them
and then i threw each one in the fire.
one by one. a symbol. a ritual.
letting go of old structures to make way for the new.
maybe it is weird. the idea arrived spotaneously while i was making my dinner, mac and cheese...then i ended up trying out the idea with one of them and it seemed to be the right move or anyway productive.
oh and earlier that day i created my own religion, in augustine's example based on the biases and let downs brought on me by my formative years of life. it was funny at first then i thought this could be a pretty successful template for many people to structure their life on...man turns out to be the troubled one instead of woman this time, the unstable aggresor when given too much power but the sacred intelligent supporter when kept in his place, the right place. ha. you could imagine, i wrote a page or two of doctrine. the female, so strong and steadfast, only in her can the power of god justly and temperately be used...only in her giving love and care and life can the true magic of god be seen on the wordly plane...so at the end of my burning ritual,a few tequilas into it, it was only logical to announce my religion to the empty house surrounding me...it was met with crickets... afterwhich, while i duely noted the inherent potential for great success and strength of my doctrines. and while it would be selfless and strong of me to bring these self generated truths to the masses i instead threw them in the fire...because augustine, the bullshit will stop with me, i will not pass it on to those that follow me.

so then fire.
fire!!!! guess i discovered a new use for it. put things in it and watch them burn and see what it stirs in you.
felt liberated and oddly relaxed after.
but alas too good to be true (or not)...had a horrific dream later that night. strong, clear, lasting. message was; things are serious colleen, do not take them lightly...you are strong but even someone strong can get cocky and off their guard. it is not so easy as to just balk at the means that those have set before you...burn years and years of tradition without resistence? did you think it would be that easy and you so capable?
so now i am working it out.
david gave me a tarot card reading yesterday afternoon which indicated not only that i am on the right track but that i will get what i am aiming for. love, love not cynicism.

when i have tea in the morning, i position myself so i can see the pond david made to collect all the rain/run off. i like watching the raindrops land on the surface of the water, also i like to imagine what is underneath the dirty shaking surface. my visions of what goes on down there change radically with my mood and the time of day (pure personal entertainment) but yesterday, i had to do none of the work for my pond adventure, instead a mom and baby deer showed up and drank from the pond. it was a great spectacle for me and i deemed it the best thing of the day, which it was. but then last night david and i went to town to go to get a drink and dinner and when we came back it had snowed again and the snow had stuck.
so the snow spectacle tied with the pond/deer thing.
the full moon was out and the snow made the whole place glow, it was magical.

not sure what today will be about.
going in to town tonight to play poker, dance dance revolution and guitar hero 3 with some of my eugene women's ultimate friends.
excited about that...i think i could use some light fun social time...
'til then think i will meditate after some mild yoga then maybe paint in the workshop or draw in the kitchen. david left for portland this morning to visit some friends for the night...

will all the male turkeys in the room shake their jelly

2008-03-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

this morning it snowed for an hour or so, while i was eating breakfast and drinking tea.
it didn't stick, the ground was too wet hence warm.
it was pretty.
it is so nice and quiet out here.
last night was a good night, meeting jun...my friend's adopted chinese 20 month old.
she is a bundle of giggles and fun.

woke up stressing about the far future. i was painting empty tree branches all over myself and the covers
as i slept...but while some became real substantial branches that helped me sleep in comfort and thrive in my existence, others remained empty eventually becoming brittle and unstable, the more i tossed and turned the more they broke and shattered making my sleeping arragement all the more disjoint, uncomfortable and dangerous.
finally i quit the illusive battle, lit a candle and let Dirk Gently and his adventures distract.
i reprimanded myself in the morning but what can you do really...
it is where i was at last night.
so i needed to be there.

after the snow, i meditated then drove in to town for lunch with some old collegues (physicists) at one of my old lunch spots.
that was nice. overdosed mildly on coffee but no harm done.

tonight david is in town dancing and eating. i will maybe stretch, then dance in the dance studio for a bit, eat then continue my reading on the fall of the roman empire.

currently learning of the father of the catholic church Augustine, the inventor of the whole adam and eve story and the grace of god, the trinity etc...seeing it play out from his personal goals and experiences it seems so transparent, so much less mystical and holy. he was just a person, just a person with a penis, a strong ego and mind and desire for more, fufillment, understanding...damn woman tormenting me when all that matters is the father and the son and the love between the two...but he must have struck a chord for it to have lasted so long, become a part of "the way things happened"...
this guy, Augustine, like 1600 years ago...and there you go. nothing new....you've heard it all before, we've heard it all before...
perhaps you are rolling your eyes or your mind, bravo colleen, big whoop.
people are just people. that is how it goes...but hmmmmmmm... turkeys, turkeys are so much more.
you can just tell by the way they dance.

the irish to the rescue

2008-03-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

rastaman vibration kicking in the background.
david is down painting one of the walls in the living room before we head into town for dinner at our friend's house.
we will be riding on japhet's coat-tails tonight and
bring the french onion soup of saturday.

today did some drawing and talking to david of future illustration projects in the morning,
next tea and then personal painting in the workshop.
almost stepped on a large slug on my way back into the house for a pee.
i apologized to the slug.
now gonna take a shower, help with the f.onion soup prep, then off we go to pick up a bottle of wine pre-dinner.

yesterday was a good day. pretty internal.
morning time, david's flame's children were over. we took them on a leprechaun hunt into the trees up by the cabin.
then lit a fire in the cabin's stove and david led a few make-shift irish songs.
being as we found no leprechaun's, they (the kids) happily took that role on and created mischief.
they started their own alternative fire out on the deck out of mostly newspaper, which we apathetically supported until it filled the cabin with smoke and ashes. then we went back down to the house and their mother picked them up.
i meditated most of the afternoon (where is love?), then did yoga.
intermittedly read about the fall of the roman empire in the hopes of learning how the irish saved civilization.
that i enjoyed. the reading. never was huge on history, never understood how anyone could really know any of it...but yesterday, yesterday it did the trick for me. fireside.
david came in and we talked about it. history, people...it.
conversation transitioned nicely into tequila and limes and discussion of our own personal histories.
what does it mean? for us, for you, for me...
take home message; i am me, i am here, i have it pretty sweet. the individual rises.
threw together a late dinner of beets, greens, pasta, tofu.
and that brings us to this morning.
oh and the fact that i can really sleep-in well these days. phenomenal.
no sun to blind me or scream me out of bed...just lulling rain and green trees.
only limitation is that my bladder isn't the size of kentucky.
can't have it all.

mild image update

2008-03-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

played ping pong last night in the workshop.
haven't had the opportunity to play that much in life but am looking forward to many more times while i am here.
ping pong rally on!!!
today the sun came out, it was beautiful.
made a good pot of tea in the morning and painted most of the day away in the workshop surrounded by trees and sunlight.

david got the fire going in the wood burning stove in there so it was pretty deluxe.
ended the painting with a bit of meditation. now planning on taking it easy tonight.
david is down the road tending to his love interest.
warm shower, light reading, then try and reenact the french onion soup from last night, which by the way was
awesome.
oh yeah, cat-wise, there are many of them that come hang out on the property ...one fuzzy white one is living under my cabin. so i am thinking of naming it fluffball

also the best i could do, in terms of documenting the walls in the room i painted; here it is

lazy saturday

2008-03-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

so the stomach is all cleared up, i had a beautiful type 4 this morning
(see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale)
david got back on thursday night which has spiced things up.
i learned a little about the wood selection out in the shed from him. which pieces were hard and/or green thus
perhaps clearing up some of my fire maintinence struggle...that and i was skimping on the amount of wood i had in the stove at a time.
lesson to be learned; know your fuel and don't skimp.
finished painting the bedroom walls (3) black and white yesterday. i would best describe it sort of as a children's room themed job, with the disclaimer that i would never let it be my child's room.
meaning it could be a little dark...but in a lighthearted childlike way, which debatably only a real genuis could capture.
this morning we laughed about putting one of those halloween sounds cds on in there for guests and creating a device which drops fake spiders on them when they sleep.
so, i guess productivity is up out here.
as is tea consumption.
yoga session this morning followed by a sauna, a quesadilla and then a nap in front of the fire.
david's son japhet is out here for the weekend. they are currently playing a father son dueling scrabble game below me while also maintaining the pot of french onion soup which they are making for dinner tonight.
i think i will go put on my painting clothes and go out to the workshop and paint for an hour or so.
some paintings which were mid process from sf.
unfinished business.
think i gotta go drop a type 4 on my way ;)
oh there has yet to be a day with out rain for me at fox hollow which is what i need.

rereads reheats revisits

2008-03-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

today i left fox hollow for a bit, which was good.
a chance to put my behind on another toilet...noooo that is gross, but it is true.
went in to eugene to celebrate a friend of 8 years' birthday (what is the correct punctuation on that, "a friend of 8 years' birthday", let's be honest no one probably really knows that)
so we talked/laughed a long time over a meal plus at one of our old haunts.
then just kind of meandered through some errands i had to run.
it was a break from the stomach situation...which is becoming less frequent and today i ate more than i have eaten since sunday. triumph.
then back here;
fire in wood burning stove had gone out since i left in such a rush this morning and didn't properly tend to it...so took me like 20 minutes to restart it and get it back to self-sustaining...which was fun. really. watching it, reorganizing it, blowing on it...soothing experience.
god, think about how much life would suck without fire.
then i watered the plants in the greenhouse which shares half of the cabin with me...brought in some more fire wood, said "hi" to a passing wild turkey, tried to pick the lock of the armoire that david put in the cabin for me with a bobby pin...but to no avail!
gonna research how to pick an old lock tonight and give it another go after finding that out...david comes back tomorrow and i am sure he must have the key anyway. let see finished The Cay last night by the fire...hmmmm took me maybe a day and a half to read that thing. take that middle schoolers!!!!! glad i did the reread but it was not all that i remembered it to be. it was more or less a let down.
but i was in middle school when i made my judgement of the story, so there you go, why wouldn't i be into a book about being stranded alone on a deserted island with a big sweet older black guy who makes it his sole purpose to take care of me and make sure i survived. coconuts, langosta, fresh scallops, chocolate and bisquits.

starting another reread tonight...Douglas Adams, "dirk gently's wholistic detective agency". no surpirse there.
recently reread his "long dark teatime for the soul" and rekindled my burning crush on his writing style/take.
so the sun is going down, just polished off some reheated spagetti... gonna go downstairs, do a brief meditaiton and then work the night away on the wall creation.
sharpees and black paint and me!!!!
that last part was meant to be sung...by you. not me i wrote it.

so i broke loose

2008-03-11T16:57:00.001-07:00

left the job.
the job was expendible, it was only so important in that it pushed me the extra inch so that the leap was feasible...feasible? by that perhaps i mean the only posible stable option from the precarious position i had worked my way into.
the precarious position being a box then? who knows, i have neither worked it out, nor is it significantly important anymore.
well, so i left the job, hosted an art coming out party for myself then
left the city, left the state.

drove up the coastline to oregon. stayed the night in klamath at the same hotel my boyfriend craig (now) stayed at when he rode his bike down the coast to sf from oregon (then). ate a gas station dinner after being chased away from a sunset hike by a worn 40 something male.
back to oregon. mildly back in time, where i used to find solice, support, strength, respite.
then the diarhea hit and i have been moaning and complaining ever since.
but alas, there is always ones body and it comes along for most everything. whether you would like to think so or not.
neither here nor there.
but obviously mentionable.

so now it is sort of beginning, how i pitcured it: me untethered doing what i want and seeing where that leads me.
out at david's with the fire, the rain, the tea, the trees.
when i arrived i saw he had painted a wall in the bottom bedroom with random black slashes over white. so after moaning on the couch for all of yesterday and some of today i went in there with a sharpee and some black paint and some brushes and started adding to it. it has become a nice beginning project for me. well suited to my style. impromptu, meandering and building on some preexisting lines and structure. different in that it is only black and white.

so that is basically today.
that, mild yoga, meditation and some pu-erh tea for stomach health

ode to ruth

2007-05-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

black irish tea.

i have been drinking it a bunch the past week or so, with milk and too much sugar. last night i slept like a crazy due to this little habit i have unleashed.

more and more of it. it feels good and takes me back to days past.

with my friend ruth at her house chatting. we would chat over the miserable situations we had unknowingly and naively worked ourselves into. beautiful times...to have a friend work through things with you. right alongside you in the shit making you a cup a tea...cussing out the people you are not ready to cuss out.

somehow we worked it all out and success came of our miserable years, success and strength. well for me, not so much for her unfortunately...maybe her prize is still being readied.

well success came i guess, a phd?

i forgot. i have forgotten both the confidence and strength, ability that i had/have?

drink the tea...remember her cheering you on.

fuck. i am out...make another cup, head out to the water cooler? why not.

how will i end this? am i really a blogger? do i have too many goals, lists etc. impossible? i hardly do anything these days. i.e. i started this blog...recieved support, then lost the sheet of paper with my blog name and website name? some real full hearted dedication then, nothing to be faked. eventually did detective work, revisit an email or two and then here i came.

look what the cat dragged in.

aha.

back to the bird brains. and the tea.

It is time for a kick in the ass

2007-04-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

over a year ago, i took this job.
worked towards the decision for a grueling 5 months.
post phd. post oregon. post months of not sleeping.
tossing and turning.
all the energy and ideas caught up in me, coming out without serious planning.
loose ownership and connection.
what does this have to do with the job?
nothing i am just at it right now so i thought i would include it.
but i need a spot to collect all of the stuff that has come out of me thus far.
and look at it all together somewhere outside of my head and my bedroom.
so here it is.
the beginning.
the beginning of me saying
here this is me....
I MEANT TO DO THIS.